The saving grace of going back to school

When summer draws to a close and school starts again, I think what many of you do:

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

 

I crack up whenever I see this video!

How did your summer go? Did you survive? Did your children survive?

We did okay. Not great. Not horrible. Just okay. Prince Charming lost his ESY (extended school year) services. Monkey somehow managed to keep his ESY, although they cut his hours in half. I’m sorry, but 12 hours over an entire summer isn’t super helpful. Whatever. That’s another conservation for another day… We happen to love our ESY teachers, and something is better than nothing.

Last spring I found a local Groupon-type deal for a beginner’s karate class and thought it would be a perfect summer activity. It would be a good, healthy, and inexpensive way to add a routine to our summer schedule. At the beginning of summer Prince Charming was dying to go and Monkey would launch into tears at the mere mention of it. My how things changed once they started going to the class! Monkey enjoyed himself immensely and managed to earn his white belt. Prince Charming refused to participate and would launch into a meltdown at the drop of a hat. And, that’s one more conversation for another day…   

Despite summer preparations including a newly defined reward schedule, a list of expected behaviors, and lists/charts around the house for regular routines, the break from school was not easy. It never is. I did my best to set things and prepare so that the summer would be simple and straightforward, but life has a way of changing things up sometimes.  

In fact, we saw some significant regression over the summer with Prince Charming. The words, “I told you so” (directed to the school district in regard to their removal of services) come to mind. His sensory system became quite a bit more reactive, and I found myself needing to equip him with a sensory toolkit just to leave the house each day. We haven’t had to do things to that level in a quite some time and it was disheartening to see him react so easily and quickly escalate into meltdowns.

The boys also found their brotherly voices over the summer break. And by brotherly voices, I refer to their constant bickering, yelling, screaming, fighting, kicking, and general disdain toward one another. The silver lining to that cloud is that it is all very neurotypical behavior, so I had to remind myself of that as I could feel my head wanting to explode repeatedly.

As summer wore on, there was a general shortening of my fuse. At times I possess a large amount of patience; other times, well…not so much. I have been told by parents and professionals on various occasions that they are impressed with my patience and calm demeanor around my kids when they are acting up. I am no saint, that’s for sure.

I found myself getting irritated more quickly and the general noise level began to really bother me. My house has never been a quiet place, but during the summer ear plugs should be standard issue.

Needless to say, my nonprofit work and blog writing came to a grinding halt. You may have noticed I was almost completely absent here on Caffeinated Autism Mom during the summer months. Now you know why. I can’t write or work in a chaotic environment. My brain doesn’t function that way. I can only filter so much and then at a certain point I just can’t do anything productive.

During the summer I actually had my first migraine in years, and there were also a couple of multiple-day headaches thrown in there for good measure. At a certain point I became ugly mommy with a bad attitude that could raise her voice at the drop of a hat. I’m not proud of that. It’s not a shining moment for me at all.

I hadn’t truly realized how much my attitude had changed until one day things were particularly rough. The boys were bound and determined to fight like cats and dogs and I had simply had it. I was DONE. And, I yelled. Loudly. In no uncertain terms, I laid down the law and separated them. Since they obviously couldn’t be near each other without having a problem, I took away that choice for the afternoon.

Later that day in a quiet moment when peace had been mostly restored, Prince Charming came to sit with me and said that he was looking forward to school so that I wouldn’t be mad anymore.

Knife to the heart.

Within the same hour, Monkey told me that I needed a break. He then told me that when he and Prince Charming started back to school again he thought I would be happier. That effectively twisted the knife.

I felt as small as a gnat.

I took each of the boys aside and apologized for my behavior. I talked with them about why I was having a hard time and what they could do to help so that we could all be happier.

School started the next day. I did not do a celebratory dance or take a nap or eat a bucket full of chocolate. I felt sad. I was relieved for the quiet, but I was sad that our summer ended the way it did. I can’t fix it or make it better. I can only try to do better next time.     

I will tell you that I noticed an immediate shift in my demeanor. When the boys got home from school, I was eager to talk with them about their day. I was 100% clued in, sharing the moment with them and truly happy to hear all that they had to say. I could feel my blood pressure lower and my jaw un-clench. My joy had returned, and it only took one day with a 4-hour break from the boys to do it.

It really is the most wonderful time of the year.   

   

Good morning to me!

Whose house did I wake up in this morning? Whose children are these? Am I still dreaming? Am I in the matrix? Neo? Pinch me!

Well, apparently this is my house and these are my kids. Normally, I run a very tight ship in the morning. Things are literally scheduled to the exact minute. In order to get everything done with the least amount of resistance, we parade around in carefully choreographed movements, with me as the conductor. This precise timing and routine is the only way I can get 2 kids with 2 different lunches and 2 different backpacks onto 2 different buses headed to 2 different schools, all within 30 minutes of each other. The schedule is a necessity, particularly when you’ve got kids that need routine to function properly.

At one time, we had to use a picture schedule every day. It made the difference between having a decent day versus one full of meltdowns. Our current structure is based upon the success we had while using a picture board.

So, imagine my surprise this morning when I woke up to both kids out of bed and quietly starting their day. No fighting. No monkeying around. No yelling. No running. Just productivity. Really, who are these kids?

I stumbled out of the bedroom in my sweats and slippers to see Prince Charming in the bathroom. What? That should happen 20 minutes from now! Whenever I suggest we move up using the bathroom to before breakfast, he always pitches a fit. But, he’s in there. Willingly. Going. And, it’s not time for that yet! I mask the surprise on my face and walk by nonchalantly saying, “Good morning, honey.” I don’t want to jinx it by mentioning the fact that he’s in there and that I’m proud of him. That could make Grumpy Badger come out of hiding, and I’d rather keep Prince Charming around this morning, thankyouverymuch.

As I’m walking down the hall I hear a beeping sound. It’s too early and I haven’t had my coffee yet. I can’t place the sound and I’m starting to feel a little concern as I hear the sound repeat. What is that? I turn the corner into the kitchen and see Monkey standing in front of the toaster over opening it up and hitting the “stop” button. What is this? I try to force my brain to jump into overdrive so that I can process the information in front of me. Giving my brain a second to turn itself on I say, “Good morning, sweetie.” Then it hits me. Monkey has made his own breakfast!

Words start tumbling out of his mouth and I follow what he’s saying with my eyes, taking it all in. “Hi, mommy! I made waffles.” I see that he had climbed onto the counter to grab a plate from the cupboard, and that he got the applesauce out from the fridge. He had obviously pulled the frozen waffles out and placed some on the rack inside the toaster oven. He had set the timer and done everything correctly. Wow! I’m sort of stunned. I see that he’s not sure how to get the waffles out of the toaster oven because everything is so hot. So, I quickly turn from happy and dumbstruck observer back into mommy mode.

Now, let’s take a moment here to discuss the significance of this. Monkey has always had significant tactile defensiveness, meaning he can barely bring himself to touch stuff that is wet, slimy, or excessively cold or hot. Let’s see here. Frozen waffles…are cold and they make your fingers wet when you touch your warm fingers to them. And, I already told you about Prince Charming’s need for routine, and how doing things out of order is very uncharacteristic. Both of these things are big deals. Big. And they happened simultaneously!

Getting back to our story, I show Monkey how he can use a utensil to safely pull out the hot toaster oven rack and slide the waffles onto the plate. I demonstrate with one and he does the rest, following my example. Then, he tips the jar of applesauce over and pours out a dollop onto each waffle, just the way he likes it. Well, there’s also applesauce all over the plate and part of the counter, but we won’t worry about that right now.

He walks his plate of food carefully over to his chair just as Prince Charming enters the room. They both sit down to run through the rest of their routine as previously scheduled. I pull out their vitamins and am silently marveling about what I just experienced. It’s soaking in. Yes, this really did just happen. I’m proud of my boys, and I share that with them. They flash me their dazzling smiles and the rest of our morning routine is flawless. I even had time to talk and cuddle with Monkey before he left for the bus.

I could get used to this. Here’s hoping for a repeat sometime soon.