The saving grace of going back to school

When summer draws to a close and school starts again, I think what many of you do:

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

 

I crack up whenever I see this video!

How did your summer go? Did you survive? Did your children survive?

We did okay. Not great. Not horrible. Just okay. Prince Charming lost his ESY (extended school year) services. Monkey somehow managed to keep his ESY, although they cut his hours in half. I’m sorry, but 12 hours over an entire summer isn’t super helpful. Whatever. That’s another conservation for another day… We happen to love our ESY teachers, and something is better than nothing.

Last spring I found a local Groupon-type deal for a beginner’s karate class and thought it would be a perfect summer activity. It would be a good, healthy, and inexpensive way to add a routine to our summer schedule. At the beginning of summer Prince Charming was dying to go and Monkey would launch into tears at the mere mention of it. My how things changed once they started going to the class! Monkey enjoyed himself immensely and managed to earn his white belt. Prince Charming refused to participate and would launch into a meltdown at the drop of a hat. And, that’s one more conversation for another day…   

Despite summer preparations including a newly defined reward schedule, a list of expected behaviors, and lists/charts around the house for regular routines, the break from school was not easy. It never is. I did my best to set things and prepare so that the summer would be simple and straightforward, but life has a way of changing things up sometimes.  

In fact, we saw some significant regression over the summer with Prince Charming. The words, “I told you so” (directed to the school district in regard to their removal of services) come to mind. His sensory system became quite a bit more reactive, and I found myself needing to equip him with a sensory toolkit just to leave the house each day. We haven’t had to do things to that level in a quite some time and it was disheartening to see him react so easily and quickly escalate into meltdowns.

The boys also found their brotherly voices over the summer break. And by brotherly voices, I refer to their constant bickering, yelling, screaming, fighting, kicking, and general disdain toward one another. The silver lining to that cloud is that it is all very neurotypical behavior, so I had to remind myself of that as I could feel my head wanting to explode repeatedly.

As summer wore on, there was a general shortening of my fuse. At times I possess a large amount of patience; other times, well…not so much. I have been told by parents and professionals on various occasions that they are impressed with my patience and calm demeanor around my kids when they are acting up. I am no saint, that’s for sure.

I found myself getting irritated more quickly and the general noise level began to really bother me. My house has never been a quiet place, but during the summer ear plugs should be standard issue.

Needless to say, my nonprofit work and blog writing came to a grinding halt. You may have noticed I was almost completely absent here on Caffeinated Autism Mom during the summer months. Now you know why. I can’t write or work in a chaotic environment. My brain doesn’t function that way. I can only filter so much and then at a certain point I just can’t do anything productive.

During the summer I actually had my first migraine in years, and there were also a couple of multiple-day headaches thrown in there for good measure. At a certain point I became ugly mommy with a bad attitude that could raise her voice at the drop of a hat. I’m not proud of that. It’s not a shining moment for me at all.

I hadn’t truly realized how much my attitude had changed until one day things were particularly rough. The boys were bound and determined to fight like cats and dogs and I had simply had it. I was DONE. And, I yelled. Loudly. In no uncertain terms, I laid down the law and separated them. Since they obviously couldn’t be near each other without having a problem, I took away that choice for the afternoon.

Later that day in a quiet moment when peace had been mostly restored, Prince Charming came to sit with me and said that he was looking forward to school so that I wouldn’t be mad anymore.

Knife to the heart.

Within the same hour, Monkey told me that I needed a break. He then told me that when he and Prince Charming started back to school again he thought I would be happier. That effectively twisted the knife.

I felt as small as a gnat.

I took each of the boys aside and apologized for my behavior. I talked with them about why I was having a hard time and what they could do to help so that we could all be happier.

School started the next day. I did not do a celebratory dance or take a nap or eat a bucket full of chocolate. I felt sad. I was relieved for the quiet, but I was sad that our summer ended the way it did. I can’t fix it or make it better. I can only try to do better next time.     

I will tell you that I noticed an immediate shift in my demeanor. When the boys got home from school, I was eager to talk with them about their day. I was 100% clued in, sharing the moment with them and truly happy to hear all that they had to say. I could feel my blood pressure lower and my jaw un-clench. My joy had returned, and it only took one day with a 4-hour break from the boys to do it.

It really is the most wonderful time of the year.   

   

You've been chopped!

Summer is a very interesting time of year for us. And by "interesting" I mean, "is it wine-thirty yet?" I might need to pull out my Pyramid of Crazy...

I have been working with the boys on a new reward schedule for our token economy system. They can earn treasure coins to pay for rewards by following a list of expected behaviors.

That's fancy talk for, "follow the rules and earn prizes!"

One of the things they can earn is time to watch a show of their choosing. If they don't want to pay coins for a show, then they are stuck watching whatever I pick. Or, they can go play elsewhere if they don't like the show I selected.

We don't watch all that much TV in our home because we can't afford cable. We rely on things like Hulu and Netflix and we have our PC hooked up to the big TV in our family room so that we can stream shows over the internet for free. Well, it's free except for the exorbitant cost of high-speed internet!

One of the shows I have recently rediscovered courtesy of the internet is Chopped, from the Food Network. I love this show! I figured it was somewhat educational for me in learning about ingredients and food preparation, and it didn't seem to have anything offensive that would be bad for the boys.

As it turns out, the boys love this show! They are glued to the TV when I turn it on. So much so, that they do something miraculous: They sit still. The entire time. I know. Miracle!  

If you've never seen the show, a group of 4 chefs come on the show to compete for $10,000. They have to go through 3 rounds - appetizer, entree, and dessert. With each round, their dishes are judged by an esteemed panel of chefs/culinary giants, and then one chef is "chopped" and does not move forward to the next round. Depending on the course, they have 20-30 minutes to create an amazing dish that must feature all of the ingredients revealed in a black mystery basket. The chefs open up the basket and the clock starts ticking away the few minutes they have to execute their brilliance.

Some of the ingredients the show comes up with, and the combinations of those ingredients, are truly insane. I mean it. I've seen things like candied fennel seeds (that look that sprinkles on steroids) for use in an entree. They come up with the most unlikely pairings of ingredients that have no relation to each other in any way.

One dish can include things like: chicken kidneys, sea beans, popcorn, and star fruit. I don't know. I'm trying to think of ingredients I have seen them use... Crazy stuff!

"Chefs, open your basket! Your time starts now!"

Really? And, what the heck are sea beans anyway? How exactly do you prepare chicken kidneys? Ewww...

So, my boys, the little script memorizers that they are, absorb everything about the show while it's on. Prince Charming can actually do a Ted Allen impression. It's the funniest thing ever to hear him interject things he's heard from the show when I'm cooking.

In fact, we were out having dinner at a restaurant and Prince Charming was reading the menu. Titan and I were ordering an appetizer and Prince Charming piped up and asked, "Is that an 'on ray'?" Puzzled, Titan and I looked at each other trying to figure out what he was talking about.

Then it hit me. Not "on ray." Enree. He's trying to say "entree!" He is figuring out that at a restaurant you can order an appetizer, entree and dessert. Just like Chopped!

Smart boy.

The next day, we were hanging out at home doing nothing in particular. The boys were playing in the same room. When this happens, it can spell trouble very quickly. Monkey did something that Prince Charming didn't like and he was getting agitated and escalating his behavior. All of a sudden, he angrily glares at Monkey and I hear him yell:

"You've been chopped! Grrrrr!"

Well, I guess Prince Charming figured out how to turn a Food Network show into a way he can fight with his brother. It was so priceless, I could barely stifle my laughter.

Now, that is scripting in all of its glory. And it was pretty awesome.       
 

I feel bad. Can I have some food?

Monkey has always had a penchant for numbers. He loves them! He has been very interested in pedometers since he learned about them in his PE class. I happened to have one sitting in a drawer and I gave it to him when I saw his excitement at having such a treasure in my possession. He loved to wear the pedometer and I would see him checking it periodically throughout the day so he could announce updates on his number of steps.

Well, the pedometer went missing. We think it may have come off of his waistband when he was either in his classroom or on the playground. Monkey started to immediately cry when he realized he wasn’t going to find it right away. He wasn’t faking or forcing tears for attention or manipulation like we are used to seeing as of late. No, this was true mourning over a loved trinket.

I felt bad for him. I also thought it was a good moment to help drive a point home. Want to know how mean I am? I used his moment of pain to remind him about the time he stole a toy from another student. Yes, I did. I went there. I talked with him about how sad he felt knowing that his pedometer was lost, and then asked him to imagine how this other boy might have felt the same way when his toy was stolen. Monkey kept crying and nodded his head in sorrowful agreement. There may have actually been some recognition clicking away in his brain. At least I hope...

Did I stop there? No! “Mean” mom kept it up. I’m all about the teachable moments.

I shared a story with him about how I had lost some important papers and I couldn’t find them anywhere. I told him how even after looking for a couple of days all over the house I still couldn’t find them and felt very sad. (The real reason I was sad was because it was almost tax day, I had been procrastinating, and I had lost some of our tax paperwork! I practically tore apart the house as I rabidly searched for the paperwork.) I told Monkey how I had tried really hard to find my lost papers but realized that they were probably going to stay lost, and I gave up my search. (As a result, I was forced to file my very first tax extension so I could gather up all of the paperwork again from scratch. That was a *very* proud moment.) Then, something amazing happened and I found the missing papers! (They were within 2 feet of where I keep my laptop, so I wouldn't lose them. Yup. Just put the white dunce cap on me and stick me in the corner with a big “L” on my forehead. I was so happy I cried.)    

I talked with him about how sometimes we just have to think carefully about where we could have misplaced something, like when we last saw it or used it and where we were, so it can help us when we are searching. I also worked in a brief lesson about how it’s always easier to find something that is lost when you keep your surroundings (like your room) clean. (No snickering about my lost tax paperwork, people!)

He sat on my lap, quietly crying as we talked about all of these things. Well, I mostly did the talking as he sat in forlorn silence. We sat and cuddled and his tears began to dry up. As he got up out of the chair he said something I never thought I would hear.

“I feel bad. Can I have some more food?”

I turned my head suddenly to look at my husband with bugged out eyes that screamed, “Did I just hear what I think I heard?” I replied to Monkey, “Honey, you don’t need food to feel better. There are lots of other things that can make you feel good, like a hug from dad or me.”  

I have food issues. I’m overweight and have been for a very long time. My weight problem has gotten worse as my stress has increased in the past several years. I have worked hard to not have my kids associate food with emotions because I don’t want them to have the same struggle. They have enough to deal with as it is! So, we structured our token economy system at home to include many reward options that are not food-related. I’ve even worked with the boys’ teachers to make sure that they are not regularly rewarding with food.  

While I’m talking with Monkey about what you can do to feel better (I think we're now on lesson number 3!), Titan suddenly became inspired and hopped onto the internet to look up a Public Service Announcement video from the 1980’s. It was a cartoon about a kid who decided that he didn’t need a cookie to feel better. Titan and I began to tag-team the search for the vintage video and we found it!

(YouTube is not cooperating for some reason, so I can't embed the video into the post... Just click on the link below instead.)

1980's PSA - Love can do wonders without adding weight 

The search for the pedometer continues. And truthfully, I hope that the trauma of Monkey losing something important to him for the first time will help those little lessons stick. 

Strategies for managing challenging behaviors

In my last post I shared some tips on how to get your child to take their vitamins. At the end of that post, I alluded to some strategies for managing behaviors by setting up a supportive structure and reward system.  I know it wasn’t very nice of me to leave you hanging like that, but I am now ready to extend a hand and get you off the cliff you’re hanging from. Without further adieu, let’s discuss some great ways to manage challenging behaviors.    

Rules

If we didn’t have rules in our house, I think I would explode from all of the chaos. Most kids on the autism spectrum respond in some way to rules and boundaries. In fact, this can be an easy way to manage your household when you have a child who is strictly rule-bound. Setting clear rules of expected behavior is a first line of defense in keeping everyone in your household sane. Coming up with a list of rules to be enforced will differ depending on the age and development of the child. For the younger set, you might choose to designate one rule at a time, or make up a few rules with pictures that express the idea of the rule. For older children, you can involve them much more in the process. They can help make the list by writing rules on a piece of paper, decorating the paper with artwork, or even collaborating on ideas for what rules should be created.

When my kids were younger, I listed rules in very simple terms (3 words or less) and then added pictures for the benefit of my younger son who couldn’t read the words. For example, there was one that said, “Quiet voice” colored in green to indicate this was a desired behavior. Next to the words I placed a clip art picture of a smiley face with his index finger up to his lips as if he was saying, “Shhhh.” Then, below the green desired behavior I listed the undesired behavior, “No yelling” in red letters with a clip art picture of an angry face that appeared to be yelling. I went through this process for several behaviors that we were having problems with in our house. Another rule we had was, “Calm body” with its counterpart, “No hitting.” Now that my boys are a little bit older, we try to involve them more in the rule-making process. My husband and I always choose the first rule, which is whatever we deem as the most critical area of concern at the time. Then, each boy gets to choose several rules out of a list so that they feel like they have some control over their own daily destiny. Although some of the basic rules of the house apply to both boys, additional rules are customized for each child since they have different issues.  

Rules can be literally anything you need to work on with your child, from simple things like eating at least one bite of dinner, to more complex behavioral problems specific to your child. What I have learned about kids on the spectrum is that you can tell them what NOT to do all day long, but they won’t know how to comply because you haven’t told them what they CAN do. By focusing the rules on the positive angle of what behaviors you expect, it’s easier for them to make the connection. Keep in mind, rules are never stagnant. They should change and grow with your children. Issues will come and go, and so should the rules. Be prepared to teach the rules consistently, but then also be willing to change them if they no longer fit the situation.