Making the world better

After a stressful week, I was bracing myself for what I thought would inevitably be a bad day. I've been spending some late nights stressing over the details of my nonprofit, knowing that I can only do so much as one person, while always wishing that I could do more. I am forever dreaming of how my life would be easier if I could only clone myself, just to help alleviate some of the heavy burdens I bear with my family, as well as the volunteer work that I am so passionate about. I'm not proud to say that at one particularly low, yet fleeting, moment while in my car contemplating the zillions of things tumbling around in my brain, I succumbed to the overwhelming need to cry. It stopped almost as fast as it began, but I guess my body had reached its maximum at that moment and needed to release whatever was pent up inside. Needless to say, I didn't hold any high hopes for the day after that.

Then, it seemed that the proverbial clouds parted. What started out seemingly dreary, turned out to be about as good as any day could have been.

One of the highlights of my day was a meeting I had with one of our nonprofit's partners, which is another local nonprofit. I won't bore you with the details (which I personally find fascinating), but the time we spent was very fruitful, and many ideas were shared, plans were made, and we parted with a renewed commitment to what we are endeavoring to do together.

However, the best part of the entire conversation was how our respective mission statements align in the idea that we are looking to change the way the community, John Q. Public, views special needs. Rather than special needs (like autism and others) marking a difference that separates and ostracizes, wouldn't it be great if special needs were normalized in such a way that the entire community helped to advocate, and in doing so, created an environment of inclusion? We had some discussion about the nuts of bolts of this kind of vision for the future, and it all comes down to thinking about what your dream is.

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What is the big picture? What do you want to accomplish? How are you going to work to make the world better for the thing you are most passionate about?

I left the meeting feeling invigorated, with a renewed sense of purpose. It added fuel to my fire, and my head was spinning with possibilities and inspiration.

Then, many other things fell into place today in just the right way with my schedule and "to do" list, and I ended up being phenomenally productive. It was odd...but I wasn't going to question it. I just wanted to ride the wave of a good day.

When the boys got home, I found out that they both had a decent day at school, that they had finished their schoolwork early (by some apparent miracle) and neither had any homework to do. The best part? They were in good enough moods that they didn't automatically catapult into their usual bickering and fighting mode after they got home. That in and of itself was a moment of relief.

We had an appointment to go to, and due to the timing of it, by the time we had to head back home it put us right in the thick of rush hour when all the commuters are heading home from their jobs in Seattle. If there's one thing you can count on in Seattle, the traffic sucks pretty much all the time. The particular area I had to travel through is known for its slowdowns, so I had no expectations of getting home at a decent time. I have learned to take the back roads, but even they can get backed up. To make matters worse, my tummy was protesting the fact that I hadn't had time to consume any food of substance all day, besides the quick coffee I grabbed after my meeting.

Remembering that I had forgotten to take something out for dinner and that we desperately needed to go to the grocery store, I was overcome with a craving for pizza. I didn't want to scrounge around for something to make for dinner when we got home! I called Titan and tried to tell him in code (so listening little ears wouldn't freak out with excitement...or dismay if plans fell through) that I wanted to meet him for pizza on our way home. Using euphemistic terms, we hatched a sly plan for remedying my hungry stomach. There is one place that is our favorite for gluten-free pizza, and that's where we headed. Luckily, there was no fighting between the boys in the car like usual, so I wasn't a complete stress case when we arrived. Traffic was actually decent, too! I was looking forward to an enjoyable meal with some of my favorite food.

After we sat down and placed our order, Prince Charming started talking. Mind you, he hadn't really conversed since we got to the restaurant.

All of a sudden he said, "Mommy?"
"Yes, sweetheart," I replied.
"I'm going to make the world a better place."

His eyes were really bright and sincere and he gave me the biggest grin, displaying his dimple. I melted on the spot.

It's almost as if he had been reading my thoughts and had been sitting in on my meeting. I don't think it was a coincidence. I think God gives us little moments like these to help us know we are on the right path. It's exactly what I needed.

I have no doubt that my little guy will make a difference in the world, and that the world will be a better place because he is in it. And, I too will try my best to make the world a better place. I'm already working on it. I can only hope that my boys will see the fruits of my labor someday.

What is your passion? What inspires you to make the world a better place?

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The joy and anguish of flying a kite

After the school year ended we took a much-needed mini vacation, which ended up being a small family reunion. My mom had just been recently released from the hospital. My brother flew out from Colorado and my dad rented a beach house on the Oregon Coast for all of us. It was a nice time to gather together and just be a family for a few days.

Part of the trip we were dodging rain drops, and this was a picture I captured one evening as I enjoyed the view of the sunset over the ocean from our rental.

The boys had a huge fascination with the stairs, since our home is single level. They kept running up the stairs and sliding down them head first. They had tons of fun!



And then, there was the sleeping loft. It was a match made in little boy heaven. They got their own cool sleeping space that gave them an awesome view of what was going on downstairs.

And, when you have a really tall daddy like Titan, this is what happens when little boy feet are dangling through the railing...

I found my dad and Monkey hanging out in the sunshine one afternoon in the back yard.

And, after about 20 minutes of carefully negotiating our extremely sensory-sensitive Prince Charming into the water of the hot tub, I was able to capture this gem before I climbed into the water with the boys.

I love the Oregon coast. It is so picturesque.

 

And, now we get to the heart of our story.

In anticipation of our beach trip, I had purchased new Angry Birds kites for the boys. They had never had a very successful kite-flying experience before, so we were eager to test the new kites' ability to catch the wind.

After a quick tutorial with a short line, the boys practiced near us and ran around in circles. They had a lovely time. Titan then showed them that they could let the line out more and watch it fly higher. All they had to do was run to keep it in the air.

And that is when it went horribly wrong.

At first, I was enamored by the sheer joy on their faces. It was an astonishing moment of freedom for them. They were running with excitement and happiness. I didn't want the moment to end and was rapidly taking pictures of them to capture this milestone. I was able to watch their fun easily through the zoom lens of my camera.

I put the camera away for a moment to chat with Titan, and that's when it happened. We both realized exactly how far down the beach the boys had gone. And they continued to run, without stopping. They did not glance back once. Monkey was in the lead and Prince Charming was just trying to keep up with his brother.

Titan and I left my dad and brother behind as we scrambled down the beach as fast as we could through the sand. Each moment we traveled, the further and further away they got. After chasing them for what was likely ten minutes (that seemed like an eternity), the wind must have shifted, because Prince Charming managed to hear one of my bellows.

He stopped and looked back. Monkey was still running at full speed.

I used exaggerated body movements and sign language to tell Prince Charming that he needed to get his brother and come back to us. He seemed to understand, thank the Lord.

He ran off to catch up to his brother and started yelling his name. Monkey was far enough away he didn't hear him. Titan and I continued toward them, but knew that neither could hear us. After a few more minutes, Prince Charming managed to get close enough to Monkey to get his attention, and he finally looked back toward us.

Titan and I were wildly signaling with our hands to come back. He saw us. Both of the boys started heading back in our direction. Thank God. I never made it down the beach as far as Monkey did, and I swear to you it was probably at least a mile away from where we had begun. Looking back down toward our starting point, my dad and brother were barely distinguishable as dark specks on the sand.

When the boys made it back to us, we quickly reeled in the lines on their kites and had a stern chat with them. The long walk back was spent in silence. There were no smiles. No more joy.

It was a shame. They had no cares in the world as they ran along the beach, loving their kites, the wind, and the sun. What was a blissfully happy moment for the boys became something entirely different. Their freedom escalated into our intense worry over their safety, and our recognition that they lacked understanding of possible consequences.

After we re-joined the others and the boys settled into looking at rocks, I quietly excused myself. As I walked up the hill to the car, the tears began to fall behind my sunglasses. I stifled my sobs until I got into my car, and then I let it all out.

This was not the first time Monkey had wandered away with no regard for safety. One time he was brought back to us by the police after being missing for almost an hour with a full-fledged neighborhood search underway. It was a horrific experience I never wanted to repeat. Talk about a flashback.

It had been a few years since we had dealt with his complete disregard for safety concerns. Titan and I thought this portion of our autism experience was finally behind us. That hope was immediately crushed as I reflected on what had just happened with the kites and what could have been, had we not been able to get Prince Charming to hear us and understand that he needed to get his brother's attention. With Monkey's high level of endurance, rate of speed, and sheer distance he had on us, there is no telling where he could have ended up before he stopped.

I was snapped back into the reality of autism.

As I cried in the car, I wondered if any of it would ever actually be behind us. The rollercoaster of the boys doing well then not doing well, improving and regressing...it's all so exhausting as so many things in so many areas of their lives can be affected.

It made me ponder the big picture. What will the future hold for my children? It can seem so uncertain from day to day. I always hope for the best, but you can't help but go through worst-case scenarios in your head. Will my planning 20 steps ahead for things ever stop? Will my boys ever lead a "normal" life? I guess I have less certainty of that than I thought I did.

A day that started with so much joy, ended with anguish.

As we checked out of our rental that morning and went down to the beach one last time to fly kites before we left town, I certainly didn't expect our vacation to end on that note. And, I doubt I will ever look at a kite in the same way again.          

Go Seahawks!

I'm not a big sports person. We don't have regular TV, so we can't watch any games, even if we wanted to. I know for some of you that is almost sacrilegious. I think I'm one of the few wives that is not a widow on Super Bowl Sunday. I count myself very lucky that it's just another day for our family.

Imagine my surprise when yesterday afternoon Prince Charming bounds off the bus with his fist in the air, yelling happily, "Goooooo Seahawks!" He had the biggest grin on his face, and he was even wearing a Seahawks hat that he made in school.

It was so cute to see him so excited and the bus driver cheered after him. I noticed she was wearing her Seahawks jersey, like most of the State of Washington. It was Blue Friday, after all.

For those of you not in the know, the Seahawks are really big deal, what with the playoffs and all. Blue Friday is the day that all of the "12th man" fans wear their jerseys and gear to show their support of the next playoff game.

Prince Charming told me that teachers and kids at his school were wearing jerseys and everyone was very excited.

I asked him, "Honey, do you know who the Seahawks are?"

He stopped wiggling and said, "The Seahawks."

"Well honey, what makes the Seahawks special? What do they do?"

In his very Prince Charming and utterly cute way, he said with a huge smile, "I have no idea!"

That's my boy. Go Seahawks!  

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Monkey made me cry...in a good way!

If you are an autism parent, you know that sometimes it's hard to tell what emotions are going on in your child's head. Often times you don't get the emotional reciprocation you hope and long for. Every mother I've ever known has needed hugs and affection far more than their children want to give it, and I am no exception. Autism can make that even more complicated.

When Monkey was born, he didn't want to be touched or cuddled, and truthfully, it was difficult to bond with him. As he's gotten older and his body and world are no longer so chaotic for him, he's become more affectionate. Surprisingly, now he loves to cuddle. His long, lanky limbs fold into a pretzel-like shape in order for him to fit on my lap, and we will watch a cartoon together snuggling under a blanket.

Hey, I'll take whatever I can for as long as I can...bony elbows and all.

Something happened last night that was so surprising, and a bit out of character for Monkey, that I immediately began to cry happy mommy tears of joy.

It was bedtime and Titan and I were sitting in our chairs, relieved that the day was over. Just as we began to relax, Monkey bounded out of his room and informed us that he needed a piece of paper to write something down. He seemed earnest about it, despite the fact that Titan and I just wanted him asleep already. We let him get a piece of paper and a pencil and take it back into his room. About 5 minutes later, he came back out, handed me the paper upside down and said that he wrote something for me, running back to his room.

Uh....okay.

I turned over the paper and a few seconds later the tears began to flow. This is what my little boy (who turns 10 years old today) wrote to me:

Birthday Ode             1-2-13

Dear Mom,

Since I was a baby, never had such a lady, kiss me, with all her joy. Her hugs and kisses XO, blow my wishes, somewhere else, far away. You bring love to anyone, only one you know. Your heart soars like a bird, giving the word, you have been a great parent!!

Love with all my heart,
Monkey 

After reading it, and taking a moment to calm down (Monkey can't handle when I drip tears on him - it's one of his sensory triggers), I went into his room and told him how much I appreciated his note. After giving him my glowing remarks and telling him how much I love him, he said in typical Monkey style, "Uh huh. Okay."

From a boy who doesn't show outward emotion all that often, this was a surprisingly wonderful moment that will recharge my mommy batteries for a long time.

Happy birthday, little man. I love you.



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The spirit of giving

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The holidays are creeping up so fast this year! Am I the only one that is completely blindsided by Thanksgiving? I feel so unprepared!

Normally I like to plan out Christmas gifts far in advance and have the majority of my shopping done before the first of November. I begin my bargain shopping at the New Year’s clearance sales. From then on, I get things in drips and drabs whenever I find an awesome deal that I can’t pass up. By spreading my shopping out over the entire year, it helps save a lot of money for our single income family, and it also saves me from the chaos of shopping during the holiday season.

I have only been shopping on Black Friday once in the past 15 (or more) years. As you can imagine, this was before kids! I consider myself a combat shopper, but I don’t know if I am that hard core! Rather than be up for a post-turkey coma shopping all-nighter extravaganza, I prefer to sleep in, fix some leftovers for breakfast, and casually putter around the house in my robe and slippers.  

I mistakenly attempted to make a quick run to Costco yesterday. I figured that since it wasn’t yet the day before Thanksgiving, it would be busy, but not super duper busy. Well, it was cray cray. Totally insane. The parking lot was so full that people were parking across the street into an overflow lot and tons more cars were circling the lot like vultures. I managed to change course and narrowly escape before I got stuck in the Costco parking lot vortex of terror.

Why do we put ourselves through all of the holiday torture twice in the span of a month? Well, there’s the whole spending time with family thing. Obviously...

In our family we don’t often get to be under the same roof with other family members, and since we have to deal with food allergies it’s usually easier for me to make the holiday meal here at my house. Even though it can be a bit stressful, we always have a fun time.  

But, what is it really all about, Charlie Brown?

Sorry, I couldn’t resist...

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Well, beyond the whole Pilgrims and Indians thing for Thanksgiving and the birth of Christ for Christmas, I think it really all boils down to one thing:  giving.

We want to give a good meal and prepare foods that we know others will like. We want to give our time and spend it in a meaningful way with our family. We want to give something personal to others that we hope they will enjoy. We want to give a smile. We want to give our love.

(And, depending on your family dynamic, you may want to also give a few choice words or gestures along the way! I am definitely thankful that we don't have a lot of drama in our family!)

Do you want to know what meaningful gift I was offered recently?

$27.

It doesn’t sound overly special, does it? However, I can assure you that the $27 is indeed very special. Let me tell you why.

Last year (if you were reading my blog back then), you may recall me telling you about how I help run a low-cost, sensory-friendly Santa portrait event. It’s such a joy to be a part of! We recently had our first event of 2 scheduled for 2012. We are always excited to see repeats and marvel at how big the kids have gotten since last year.  

One family in particular, a repeat to our event, has a fairly complicated situation. It’s a hodgepodge of diagnosis alphabet soup, including foster children. And, although the kids were on their best behavior, I know that they are very challenging. I think most foster parents would shy away from the tougher cases, but not this family! For all I know, the mom can leap small buildings with a single bound! She has such grace, and her intense focus and determination keep her working toward doing the best she possibly can for each of her children.  

After she arrived to the event with her entourage, she took me aside and quietly said:

“Do you know of any families that would like to attend this event and cannot pay? I want to help with that. This month and we have an extra $27 and I’d like to contribute to those that need it.”

I stood there with a smile on my face, nodding, trying to focus on what she was saying. Wait a minute...did she just say what I think she said? When I realized the depth of her offer, I wanted to burst into tears at her generosity. She was so touched by her experience with our event that she wanted to give that same experience to others…even though she only had $27 extra for the month. The month!

Simply. Incredible.

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It was such a genuine moment of a giving heart in action. She truly embodies the spirit of giving and serves as an example to all of us.

And that is what it’s really all about.

I hope you have a blessed Thanksgiving!    

 

   

Parenthood and the cancer diagnosis

Lately, every time I sit down to watch the NBC show, Parenthood, I am in tears by the end of the episode. And, it’s not just a girly hormonal thing.

Generally speaking, I enjoy the show because they incorporate a lot of relevant topics, weaving them throughout their episodes. Things like: adoption, military/PTSD, Asperger Syndrome, and the larger concept of family.

Their recent story line with Kristina getting breast cancer has touched me. Deeply.

As with most people, I have a family connection to cancer. I have seen loved ones pass away from the ravages of this disease, and it isn’t pretty. It’s never pretty.

I have dealt with my own husband getting a cancer diagnosis just before his 30^th birthday.

It was the most difficult time of my life. That seems almost dumb to say because I wasn’t the one who had to deal with cancer – surgery, bone marrow biopsy, scans of all kinds, chemotherapy, radiation and more scans.

I cannot even imagine what Titan must have gone through in those moments by himself.

That’s what I was thinking of as I watched the last scene of the “Together” episode of Parenthood, when Adam was sitting with Kristina in the infusion room, holding her hand while her first round of chemotherapy was administered.


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I did not get the opportunity to be there with my husband as he went through the process, and it hurts me to this day. It was just not possible.

I wasn’t there when he got a terrible chemical burn when the chemo blew through his vein and destroyed the tissue inside his hand – which still bothers him to this day. I wasn’t there when they began diluting the chemo because of how much it burned going in, which took 2-3 times longer to administer. I wasn’t there when he felt immediately nauseous whenever he pulled into the parking lot of the hospital. I wasn’t there when he almost walked away from his last round of chemo because they couldn’t find a vein and he had to spend hours at 2 different hospitals just trying to get the IV set. I wasn’t there when he got the tattoos on his chest to calibrate the radiation machine. I wasn’t there because I couldn’t be.    

We didn’t have much help during that time. It was pretty much us against the world. I had to take care of my non-stop toddler and screaming baby during Titan’s treatment. It didn’t help that the kids and I were chronically sick the entire time he received chemo. We had one cold after another after another. Titan had to wear a surgical mask whenever he entered our house. For months. Even if I had been able to secure a babysitter to watch the boys while I went with Titan to the hospital, I couldn’t be there because I was a germy threat to each person that had a compromised immune system.

Titan after a round of chemotherapy - December 2005

 

It felt terrible knowing that I was stuck at home and my husband had to go through treatment completely alone. As his wife, it cut me to the core. And there wasn’t a thing I could do about it.

At the time, Monkey was in the thick of the terrible two’s, which we later found out was autism. Prince Charming was only a few months old, and he didn’t sleep, had terrible reflux despite breastfeeding, and he cried all the time. Of course, now we know he had undiagnosed food allergies and autism.

Every single day was intensely challenging, and if I managed to get a couple of hours of uninterrupted sleep a night, I counted myself lucky. Dealing with Titan’s cancer in the middle of all of that was just one more layer of chaos to a life that already felt completely out of control.

I was trying to figure out how to parent my children, who both seemed like unsolvable puzzles. I was trying to care for my husband who still had to work and support us, and couldn’t really help me with the kids or the house. All I could do was educate myself about cancer and treatments. I felt that if I couldn’t be there in person to show my support and sit with him for the hours he had to be there, I could show support from home by learning as much as possible to help him.

During the course of my husband’s diagnosis, surgery and treatment, we made a conscious decision to not focus on being scared or sad, but to maintain a positive and proactive approach. We did not grieve the diagnosis or dwell on anything that could go wrong. We both knew that Titan had to stick around and that there were no other options, so we agreed on maintaining that attitude and asked God to help make our faith a reality.

When we sat in the room with the doctor and went over the results that showed the presence of cancer, we accepted the diagnosis with a smile and not tears. Our response was unsettling to the doctor, who scolded us for not taking things seriously.

It was then that I became educated.   

Up to that point, I was staunchly mainstream with all of my ideas about medicine, food, and doctors. Everything I thought I knew was challenged. And, that is when it all changed for me.  

I learned the difference between vegetarian, vegan and raw. I learned what a naturopath does. I learned that there are stores dedicated only to supplements, vitamins and nutrition. I learned about acid-alkaline balance. I learned that charities like the American Cancer Society and Susan G. Komen are not all they’re cracked up to be. I learned that there is a difference between juice you buy at the grocery store and juice you make at home with a fancy machine.

I learned so many things!

I tried to use this knowledge for my husband’s benefit as he dealt with cancer. He lost 30 pounds, he lowered his cholesterol significantly without prescription medication, and he didn’t lose his hair as they promised us he would (although it did thin a bit). The doctors were extremely worried about his weight loss, and we were able to convince them that it was actually a sign of his good health because of the changes we had made to his diet and nutrition. We were trying to support his body so that he could better deal with the toxic effects of the chemotherapy.

It has been 7 years since he received his diagnosis.   

One thing is for sure: everything we learned about cancer has helped us with autism. Everything.

For that, I am thankful for the experience, despite how difficult it was. My eyes may not have been as open had my husband not had cancer. I probably would have never considered anything “alternative,” like the GFCF diet that unlocked speech for Prince Charming.

My boys are better off now because my husband had cancer. That is a completely bizarre thought, but it’s true.

I wish I could have been there for my husband in the ways I had hoped to as his wife, but our life just didn’t allow for it at the time. I think any wife and wannabe super mom always hopes to do it all, and it’s hard when reality doesn’t allow you to even try. I know that I can’t change what happened and that Titan understood, but I still wish I could have done more. There is still a lot of pain and pangs of guilt over that, which all came flooding back when I watched Parenthood.

Now that we are so far removed from the diagnosis and treatment, I can allow myself to feel those feelings. A little bit of distance from it helps me realize how remarkable the whole thing was, and how well we did in the circumstances.

It feels like an eternity has passed, yet when watching the show, it’s like it was just yesterday. I guess as long as the cancer storyline continues on Parenthood, I’ll get a little bit of therapy one episode at a time.      

          

The saving grace of going back to school

When summer draws to a close and school starts again, I think what many of you do:

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

 

I crack up whenever I see this video!

How did your summer go? Did you survive? Did your children survive?

We did okay. Not great. Not horrible. Just okay. Prince Charming lost his ESY (extended school year) services. Monkey somehow managed to keep his ESY, although they cut his hours in half. I’m sorry, but 12 hours over an entire summer isn’t super helpful. Whatever. That’s another conservation for another day… We happen to love our ESY teachers, and something is better than nothing.

Last spring I found a local Groupon-type deal for a beginner’s karate class and thought it would be a perfect summer activity. It would be a good, healthy, and inexpensive way to add a routine to our summer schedule. At the beginning of summer Prince Charming was dying to go and Monkey would launch into tears at the mere mention of it. My how things changed once they started going to the class! Monkey enjoyed himself immensely and managed to earn his white belt. Prince Charming refused to participate and would launch into a meltdown at the drop of a hat. And, that’s one more conversation for another day…   

Despite summer preparations including a newly defined reward schedule, a list of expected behaviors, and lists/charts around the house for regular routines, the break from school was not easy. It never is. I did my best to set things and prepare so that the summer would be simple and straightforward, but life has a way of changing things up sometimes.  

In fact, we saw some significant regression over the summer with Prince Charming. The words, “I told you so” (directed to the school district in regard to their removal of services) come to mind. His sensory system became quite a bit more reactive, and I found myself needing to equip him with a sensory toolkit just to leave the house each day. We haven’t had to do things to that level in a quite some time and it was disheartening to see him react so easily and quickly escalate into meltdowns.

The boys also found their brotherly voices over the summer break. And by brotherly voices, I refer to their constant bickering, yelling, screaming, fighting, kicking, and general disdain toward one another. The silver lining to that cloud is that it is all very neurotypical behavior, so I had to remind myself of that as I could feel my head wanting to explode repeatedly.

As summer wore on, there was a general shortening of my fuse. At times I possess a large amount of patience; other times, well…not so much. I have been told by parents and professionals on various occasions that they are impressed with my patience and calm demeanor around my kids when they are acting up. I am no saint, that’s for sure.

I found myself getting irritated more quickly and the general noise level began to really bother me. My house has never been a quiet place, but during the summer ear plugs should be standard issue.

Needless to say, my nonprofit work and blog writing came to a grinding halt. You may have noticed I was almost completely absent here on Caffeinated Autism Mom during the summer months. Now you know why. I can’t write or work in a chaotic environment. My brain doesn’t function that way. I can only filter so much and then at a certain point I just can’t do anything productive.

During the summer I actually had my first migraine in years, and there were also a couple of multiple-day headaches thrown in there for good measure. At a certain point I became ugly mommy with a bad attitude that could raise her voice at the drop of a hat. I’m not proud of that. It’s not a shining moment for me at all.

I hadn’t truly realized how much my attitude had changed until one day things were particularly rough. The boys were bound and determined to fight like cats and dogs and I had simply had it. I was DONE. And, I yelled. Loudly. In no uncertain terms, I laid down the law and separated them. Since they obviously couldn’t be near each other without having a problem, I took away that choice for the afternoon.

Later that day in a quiet moment when peace had been mostly restored, Prince Charming came to sit with me and said that he was looking forward to school so that I wouldn’t be mad anymore.

Knife to the heart.

Within the same hour, Monkey told me that I needed a break. He then told me that when he and Prince Charming started back to school again he thought I would be happier. That effectively twisted the knife.

I felt as small as a gnat.

I took each of the boys aside and apologized for my behavior. I talked with them about why I was having a hard time and what they could do to help so that we could all be happier.

School started the next day. I did not do a celebratory dance or take a nap or eat a bucket full of chocolate. I felt sad. I was relieved for the quiet, but I was sad that our summer ended the way it did. I can’t fix it or make it better. I can only try to do better next time.     

I will tell you that I noticed an immediate shift in my demeanor. When the boys got home from school, I was eager to talk with them about their day. I was 100% clued in, sharing the moment with them and truly happy to hear all that they had to say. I could feel my blood pressure lower and my jaw un-clench. My joy had returned, and it only took one day with a 4-hour break from the boys to do it.

It really is the most wonderful time of the year.   

   

Coffee Karma and Espresso Excitement!

If you have been on the Caffeinated Autism Mom Facebook page recently, you may have seen my post about making a "Poor Girl's Iced Latte" at home. When you don't have a lot of cash to go out to a coffee shop and you no longer have an espresso maker, you learn to improvise.

I used to have an espresso maker (two, actually), but unfortunately both machines ended up breaking. I had a well-known brand, but apparently the quality was just not there. When the second machine gave up the ghost, I opted to live without an espresso machine from that point forward. That was about 4 years ago...maybe more.

Well, I must have put out some major coffee karma into the universe or something, because I got a call from a dear friend of mine who knew that I did not have an espresso machine and she had one that she never uses. Actually, it belonged to her husband, but you get the drift. She said that her husband had set it aside for me.

Can you say jaw-dropping moment?

YESSSSSS!
Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!!
IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou!

She met up with me last night and gave me her barely used, commercial grade, high quality, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious espresso machine.

I am in seventh heaven! I think it's all I babbled about with my hubby last night. He may have asked me at some point in the evening if I was going to blog about it. He doesn't need to know that I had already started typing the post when he asked me the question. I claim innocence. He doesn't know me that well. I'm an enigma. Uh-huh. Sure.

I can't wait to read through the manual (yes, I will actually read the manual). I will also lovingly clean and de-scale the machine, go buy some espresso grind coffee, and then take this baby for a test drive.

I can hardly believe a gorgeous Breville machine is sitting on my kitchen counter right now!!! Someone may need to pinch me.

www.brevilleusa.com

 
If you missed my Facebook post, here is how I made my
Poor Girl's Iced Latte:

Brew a pot of your best coffee (preferably made with filtered water).
Simmer it slowly in a saucepan until it reduces to about 1/4 of the original volume.
Refrigerate the concentrated coffee in an airtight glass container.
Pour some of the concentrated coffee into a large glass.
Add ice and coconut milk (or your choice of milk) to taste.
Enjoy!

I hope you have a great week and are able to enjoy some good coffee! *clinking coffee mugs*

Moving on

As any autism parent can tell you, change is hard. Our kids have a hard time transitioning or doing something outside of the routine. I’m here to tell you that change is also hard for everyone else, too.

This past weekend I worked my tail off to help prepare my grandma’s house for sale. It’s been a long time coming. Grandma fell and injured herself a couple of years ago. After a stint in a rehab facility, it became clear that it was no longer a good idea for her to live by herself.  

My grandma is almost 95 and she is healthy as a horse. She is also stubborn as a mule! By God’s grace, she still has her wits about her. I can only hope and pray that I will be the same way when I am her age…if I ever get there!

Since she moved in with my aunt about 2 years ago her house has been sitting vacant. Recently she decided she was finally willing to let the house go. I imagine it was very difficult for her because there are a lot of memories there. Out of all the grandkids, I think I spent the most time there and it was like my second home when I was growing up.

Going through all of her things was exhausting. Like many people her age, she was hesitant to throw anything away that could be useful, and she surrounded herself with knickknacks and pictures. Every so often I would stop and reminisce as something jogged my memory. My cousin and I would exclaim to each other, “Do you remember this? Wow!” We would shake our heads in disbelief as we walked down memory lane. It was really cool to uncover things we had long forgotten about or never even knew existed.

The one thing that made the weekend easier was the fact that grandma is still with us. Had we been going through her things after her passing, it would have been much more difficult. I was grateful for the opportunity to clean and organize her house without grief. It was also very enjoyable to gather together a few family members and friends of the family that are scattered around and work toward a common goal.  

Since it was a sunny weekend, the house was warm and it was really stuffy from being unoccupied for so long. We opened up all the windows and doors, cranked up the music, and got our groove on well into the night. All of the neighbors must have loved our shake-your-booty-and-sing-your-heart-out renditions of songs by the Village People, Milli Vanilli, the Bangles, and others. Poor neighbors. They are probably traumatized for life. Over 2 nights, I think we got about 5 hours of sleep total. By the end, we were hobbling around covered in dust and grime and completely sore and tired.

Gram's house is the epitome of 70's chic! Don't you love the green shag and orange furniture? You should have seen this room before we stripped it clean. We removed a couple of pieces of furniture, all the pictures off the wall, the tons of dried and silk flowers, and the knickknacks from every corner and surface. By paring down the room, it's the largest we've ever seen it. Who knew there was this much space? 

My cousin, uncle and I were feeling emotional over certain things we came across and things we remembered, but we did our best to hold our emotions in check. I think we all knew that if we allowed the floodgates to open they just would not stop. I somehow managed to hold myself together while I was in the house.  

On my way back home, I crossed the bridge over the river from Portland into Vancouver and that’s when I lost it. I was a wreck off and on for the rest of that night and the next day. Lord help me when the house actually sells. She’s the only grandparent left between my husband and I, and I don’t even want to think about when she goes to be with the rest of our grandparents in heaven.   

One moment that really sticks out in my mind from that weekend is when I stopped by the neighbor’s house to chat. As it turns out, they also have 2 boys diagnosed on the autism spectrum. I found myself in their living room chatting with them about autism, educational advocacy, and other related topics. Even though my hubby was home with our boys, it was like I was right back in my element.  

Once my grandma’s house sells, I will no longer have relatives in my old hometown. But, I will have community. I will have autism family. And that makes the change a little bit easier.

 

Wordless Wednesday: Fun with a box!

I bought Titan custom golf clubs last Christmas, because not only is he freakishly tall, he plays left-handed! He finally broke in his clubs last month. What was leftover was this enormously long box. As I think most everyone knows, boxes make the BEST toys! The boys took turns crawling inside, standing inside, scooting in and laying down, etc. Prince Charming actually loved the box so much he wanted to sleep in it. He found a blanket and made it into a pillow and then crawled inside and hung out quietly in there for a little while that afternoon. He enjoyed it immensely and later insisted that Titan and I allow him to put the box in his room so he could sleep in it that night. We did...and he did. :-) 

Don't wake the sleeping Yoda

On Saturday morning, my hubby and I were woken up by Prince Charming. Before. Six. Yes, in an ungodly hour of a sacred and lazy please-God-let-us-sleep-in-until-at-least-7am Saturday morning.

“Daddy, I want to cuddle with you.”

“OK. Climb in,” my hubby slurred in his slumber.

Then our little wiggle worm got into bed between us. And didn’t stop moving. Or talking.

First he would wiggle, then he would sit up and check the clock. Then he would announce the time to us. Every few minutes. Then he would flip over. And, then there was the whispering. He would whisper some script he had memorized from cartoons.  

Make the hurting stop. Sleeeeeep.

“Honey, can you please go back into your room and play quietly with your new Bionicle in bed?”

“Nooooooooo, I want to stay here.”

Too tired to argue or force the issue, my hubby and I dropped it in our attempt to fall back asleep.

This continued on for over an hour.

Frustrated, we finally sent him packing back to his room. Not only did he leave our door wide open, he proceeded to walk through the house like a herd of elephants. The walls literally shook with every step.

Of course, this woke up Monkey. Great. He stumbled into our bedroom, ready to cuddle.

My hubby, who apparently had woken up enough to have some brain function, came up with a great idea.

“Boys, go make yourself a bowl of cereal and we’ll be up in a few minutes.”

Then he muttered under his breath, “in about a half hour…” I weakly giggled my agreement.

We started to hear the boys make noise and argue. Titan and I were definitely awake now, although I was a bit slower to rouse.

Then, my hubby did something regrettable. He poked his finger into my armpit in a playful attempt to wake me up. One thing he should know better by now is to never, ever poke me in the armpit.  

I swatted at his hand violently. He started laughing.

With my eyes closed I calmly growled, “Do not make me go Jedi on you.”

More laughter. This time, it was a deeper belly laugh. He tried to touch me again, but I had one eye open because my Spidey sense told me something was about to happen. (See, not only do I connect with the Force, I also have Spidey sense! Titan married SOME girl!)

As his finger came up into the air, I said, “If you wake this sleeping giant, I will turn into an angry Yoda in about 3 seconds.”

Image Source

He knew I would, too. I could sense he was thinking about the scene of Stars Wars when Yoda unleashes his mad skills on Count Dooku and is flying around the room like an other-worldly creature. Titan quickly retracted his finger and then more laughter ensued. Deep, loud laughter. I love his laugh. It’s so hearty and warm.

Now I was wide awake and didn’t want to be. I glared at him with a scowl on my face through one eye open, ready to attack without a moment’s hesitation. Yes hubby, this is the fair maiden you took as your bride. Hope I don’t scare you too much.

Yoda is super duper old, like 800+ and he's 2 feet tall. You'd never expect him to acrobatically fly through the air with his light saber. Watch him open up a can of whoop-ass right around 1:40!

Ahhhhhh, Saturday mornings! Aren’t they grand?

Needless to say, Titan got me out of bed and there was no bloodshed. As it turns out, under my don’t-mess-with-me shell is a big ball of goo. He knows how to expose the goo every single time. And in the process, he makes me laugh. Somehow, that’s all I need. 

Hope you had a great Father's Day weekend!

What are you like in the morning before your coffee?   


   

    

Defending Champion!

Last week I got a call from the Principal. Of course, my immediate response was a sinking feeling in my gut, as I prepared myself for whatever bad news was about to come my way. The first words out of the Principal’s mouth were to reassure me that nothing was wrong. Thank God for that!

She proceeds to tell me that she has Monkey in the office with her and that he wants to talk with me. He gets on the line and says, “Guess what, Mommy?”

“What?”

“I just won the spelling bee!”

“You did? That’s awesome, kid! Great job! I’m so proud of you!”

“Uh huh.”

There was an awkward silence while he tried to think of something else to say to me, and he clearly was not ready to relinquish the phone back to the Principal. So, I started asking him some questions about his experience at the spelling bee and he was able to talk with me a little bit about it.

Monkey does not have a ton of experience on the telephone, so he was not completely certain of how to talk with me beyond sharing his big news. He had some trouble figuring out what to talk about and when he should give back the phone to the Principal. We muddled through the conversation and I ended up instructing him to hang up the phone, and that I would talk with him more about the spelling bee when he got home from school. In our mutual confusion, I ended up hanging up the phone right as the Principal got back on the line. Oops!

He had been so excited about the prospect of the spelling bee that he had been chattering for a few days about it. He told me that the winners, starting in 3^rd grade and beyond, get their name engraved on the plaque in the Principal’s office. He had made up his mind that he really wanted his name up on the wall forevermore.  

The night before the spelling bee, he was up late. I think it was the first time I’d really ever seen him too excited to sleep. He’s had nights where “weird thoughts” kept him from sleeping, but this was something new. He ended up asking for a “nighttime vitamin” (melatonin) to help make his brain slow down so he could sleep, and he fell asleep 30 minutes later.

The following morning, instead of his usual wake-up time curled up in a blanket on the couch, he was dressed and ready to go even before I was awake. He told me that he wanted to surprise me and he was clearly excited for the spelling bee. I thought that was awesome. During breakfast I gave him some words of encouragement, reminding him to slow his thoughts down and to think about his answer before he spoke.

Needless to say, he went to school that day and came home a winner. I understand from one of the teachers that he conducted himself very appropriately during the spelling bee, which of course made me very happy to hear. Monkey is an amazing speller and I couldn’t be more proud of him! He is now a 2-year defending champion and he’s already talking about how he can’t wait to get his name on the wall plaque again next year. I hope he does!

       

Monkey and the Cat: Processing the death of a pet

About a week ago Monkey was in an excellent mood and said something magical to me.

“Mommy, I want to be a helper. What can I do?”

It was one of those moments when the clouds parted and the angels began to sing. I never expected that question among all of the usual whining and other joys of everyday life in our household.

Over the past few years I’ve learned it’s much easier to go out and do the shopping on my own when my hubby is home to watch the boys. After Monkey’s inquiry, I decided to take him with me to the grocery store so he could be my special helper. I gave him my smart phone so that he could be in charge of our list. He had lots of fun helping me keep track and checking things off the list as we put items in our cart.

We were at a store that we typically don’t shop at, and I was a bit unfamiliar with the layout. As a result, we ended up walking down the pet food aisle, which is something we typically don’t do. Making conversation about my mistake, I said to Monkey, “We don’t need cat food anymore, do we?” What Monkey said in reply came as a surprise.

“Our cat died in 2009 just before Christmas. I was 6-and-a-half.”

I’m sure that my mouth was open at that moment due to the shock from such accurate and correct detail. I was surprised because Monkey didn’t seem to like our cat much at all. In fact, he mostly ignored our cat, just like he ignored Prince Charming when he was born (for about 18 months straight)! Of course, I now understand that a good portion of Monkey’s response to his brother and our cat was due to his autism diagnosis.

Our cat loved getting his belly rubbed by Titan. We miss him.

Monkey got a slight sideways smile on his face as he told me that his favorite thing about our cat was when he chased him around the house. He stood there with that cute look on his face for another few seconds as he thought about our cat and the fun he used to have running around after him. Of course, our cat was terrified when Monkey would chase him! I think the fact that he would take off like a shot made it even more fun for Monkey.

This little moment made me think about how little I understand my boys and how their brain works. There are so many times when I repeat myself over and over, make lists, use visual tools, pre-teach, remind, and cajole, and it seems that they never catch on to certain things.

Yet, they also retain information I never thought possible. This was confirmed to me when Monkey shared all of the details about our cat’s death. Considering how little interest and emotion there seemed to be from either of the boys when it happened, I did not expect that.

When our cat died, Titan and I talked about it with the boys over the course of a few days, and that seemed to be the end of it.  I remember quite some time ago when I had the boys in the car and all of a sudden Prince Charming asked me, “Is our cat dead?” It had been over a year since our cat had passed away, and the question had caught me off-guard. I managed to pull some thoughts together and talked about it with him for a few minutes while Monkey listened. That was the last time I heard anything about our cat until Monkey brought it up in the grocery store the other day.

One thing is for sure…I may never understand how my boys think. The way their brains process information is certainly complex! I’ll just keep rolling with it, try to keep up, and do the best I can!              

Another giveaway! How much do I love you?

Last week we made it to a magnificent 1,000 "Likes" on Facebook! I was floored by the love from you guys, so I thought I'd send some love right back at ya!

It's time for another giveaway!

As a token of appreciation for visiting my blog's little corner on Facebook, I thought I would pick a gift for you that is near and dear to my heart.

What could it be?

Well, think about my name: Caffeinated Autism Mom.

Any guesses? It's pretty obvious, I think.

I'm giving away coffee, of course!

Up for grabs is a 12-ounce bag of Grounds for Change whole bean coffee. Their coffee is fair trade certified, organic certified, CarbonFree certified, and shade grown. Can you say awesome? It is the Nicaragua "Segovia" variety, which is a medium roast with notes of caramel apple and roasted nuts.

Sound delicous? Just writing all of that is making me want to invent a remote controlled coffee maker. Right. Now.

Now, for a confession.

I thoughtfully purchased this bag of coffee...for myself. And, I have been looking forward to opening it. I have never tried the Grounds for Change brand and I've been wanting to.

However, you may recall that recently I have been making a concerted effort to cut down on my caffeine consumption. It sucks. But, my body is happier with the change. I have learned it's okay to say, "decaf."

So, my friends, you get to reap the benefit! I figured this was a perfect way for me to say thanks for hanging out with me on Facebook.

Entering to win is easy. All you have to do is:

1. Like Caffeinated Autism Mom on Facebook.
2. Leave a comment below this post that includes:
    (a) your email address, and
    (b) your favorite coffee brand and/or favorite coffee drink.

That's it! Remember, if you don't include your email address, I can't let you know if you won! I'll accept blog comment entries all week long. The winner will be announced on Facebook next Monday, April 30th.  

By the way, my drink of choice right now is a decaf, ristretto shot latte. If I'm feeling extra indulgent, I make it a breve. Just in case you were wondering.

Before I wrap this up, I wanted to take a moment to announce the winner of the copy of Kate Winslet's book, The Golden Hat.

Drum roll, please...

The winner is: Denise Walk! Congratulations, Denise! I have already sent you an email, so I hope to hear from you soon.

Good luck to everyone with the latest giveaway! If you win, I'd love to hear how the coffee tastes. I may have to buy another bag of it to try!

Wordless Wednesday: Ties are cool

While on a trip out of town we visited a children's clothing store. I told the boys they could each pick out one item to purchase. Prince Charming picked a pair of sunglasses and Monkey found a tie he liked. The tie was a very surprising choice!

Monkey didn't have any proper button-down shirts to wear the tie with (or any special occasions to wear it to), but by golly he wanted that tie! In fact, about a week later we found a hat on clearance for just a few dollars and both the tie and hat went together pretty well. The fact that the hat looked similar to his Grandpa's hat was a humongous added bonus! Monkey was ecstatic with his new clothing items!

A couple of weeks ago on a Saturday morning, he was busily getting ready in his room for a day full of play, and guess what his clothing choice was? Yep, you guessed it!

He came up with this all on his own!
Isn't he handsome?

Monkey is ready to go outside to play
basketball and ride his bike.

Don't forget to enter the giveaway for a copy of Kate Winslet's new book, The Golden Hat: Talking Back to Autism. Click here.

Wordless Wednesday: Toothy Milestone

Prince Charming recently reached an important milestone! At the ripe old age of almost 7, he lost his first tooth!

I've been home for every single loose tooth that Monkey has had so far, and I'm sad to say that I missed Prince Charming's big occasion entirely. I was out of the house working on taxes for my nonprofit, of all things. Total bummer.

After all was said and done, I got a Skype video call on my cell phone and saw his happy, tear-stained face. He was so proud of himself. My little boy is growing up.

The following pictures were taken by my hubby to document the big event. :-)   



Prince Charming was eating lunch, bit into an apple slice, and the rest is history. He was fairly traumatized, especially because it meant he couldn't finish his lunch until the tooth was pulled. He couldn't handle the sensation of the loose tooth in his mouth and everything came to a screeching halt until it was dealt with.  



Daddy to the rescue! After much reassuring and coaxing, Prince Charming allowed Titan to pull that pesky loose tooth. He was so proud to tell me about his bravery and to show me the "hole" in his mouth.