I’m going to be honest.
I’m struggling.
I work hard at many things. In order to keep my head above
water and not be overwhelmed by everything going on in my life, I put on an
exterior of positivity and confidence. It’s not a cocky thing. It’s not a fake façade.
It serves a purpose. You know, one of those “create your reality” trains of
thought. I know I won’t do any good to myself or anyone else if I wallow in all
of my problems, so I don’t. It’s a deliberate choice, and I think it works for
me most of the time.
But, I’m struggling. I couldn’t fall asleep tonight because
I couldn’t stop thinking about things, and the emotions were too intense to
allow me to sleep. So, I got back up to write this post. Since I started this
blog, I have found that writing posts can be quite therapeutic. It helps me
process what’s going on in my life so that it somehow feels more manageable.
Writing is another one of my coping tools.
While change can be good, it feels really scary right now.
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Spring has typically been a hard time of year for us, so I
know I shouldn’t be surprised. Spring Break in particular has been a time of
regression for my boys in the past. And yes, we are smack dab in the middle of
Spring Break right now. I don’t know what it is about the “spring forward” time
change, the plants blooming and growing, and things happening with my boys, but
there is something there.
I learned very recently that Monkey is having some issues
that are affecting him much more than I previously realized. I don’t think he
deliberately tried to hide anything from me, but he just has a hard time
communicating what’s going on when it involves emotions. It’s easier for him to
suppress things than to talk about them, because talking about it makes him
very uncomfortable.
Of course, then I have immediate guilt about being too
distracted from my nonprofit work to notice if there had been any silent
signals from him. It’s a mother’s job to know. Was I paying enough attention?
Monkey is a very complex individual. He is layered like an
onion. I continuously find there is more going on with him than meets the eye.
It’s just really hard to get some of his layers to peel back so that I can gain
a better understanding.
I immediately reached out for some psychological assistance to
discuss my specific concerns, and was able to get in to talk with someone
highly regarded for their work with autism. Monkey had his first appointment on
Monday – on the first day of Spring Break. Fitting, isn’t it?
I have no idea how we are going to pay for it. I just know
he needs it.
At about the same time I was figuring out the issues with Monkey,
I learned that Prince Charming is struggling socially at school. Since he
started talking, this has not been a huge concern for me. He has been much more
social than Monkey, and I didn’t think I’d need to worry about that so much
with him. Well, I was wrong.
And, with Autism Awareness Month, this is one of the busiest
times of the year for me in my nonprofit work. It’s the height of event season
and I’ve been at a dead run for God knows how long. I’m exhausted. That’s why I’ve
been scarce here on the blog, because I’m too tired to keep my eyes open long
enough to type anything coherent for you to read.
In the past week my Grandma was placed on hospice. It was
not unexpected, but it’s still hard to grasp. Her brain doesn’t seem to be failing
her, but her body is. I am thankful that I was able to go down and see her again last week and have her video chat with the boys on my cell phone. She thought that was a hoot. I haven't yet figured out how to prepare the boys for her eventual passing. Frankly, I don't know how I will deal with it for myself either.
Tonight I learned that my parents will likely be moving back
out of state. They only came back to Washington about 2 years ago, after having missed a
good portion of the boys’ childhood. It was such a blessing to have my parents back
and involved in their lives again. I have no idea what I will tell the boys to make them understand why they are moving. I think it will have a huge impact on Monkey in particular, who is already struggling to talk about things that make him sad. Having his Grandpa and Grandma move away will be hard for him to process.
And, I’m sad for me. I will miss being able to pop by their house. I’ll also miss the big surprise we got every time they showed up at our door unannounced and the kids went wild with excitement. And, I’ll miss all of the coffee dates my dad and I would squeeze in when the kids were at school. The thought of all that going away in light of everything else simmering in the background was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
So, I'm struggling.
I know this stuff is small potatoes for a lot of people. I also
know that there are much bigger problems in the world. But, for tonight, I’m allowing myself to fall to pieces over all of the changes that I don’t feel ready for, so that tomorrow I can hopefully re-focus and press forward.