The bus is late! Oh my!

It happens to everyone who has a kid that rides the bus. At some point, the bus will be late. It's just one of those things.

Monkey can be a worry wart. He becomes very concerned when the bus is late and I try to reassure him that it's okay and he won't get in trouble at school. When the bus finally does show up, he will make comments to the driver just to make sure that they know they're late and that he will be late to school because of it.

I always smile to the driver and wave.

Well, today we had icy weather to wake up to. It was in the mid-to-high 20's outside. While Prince Charming was snug and warm inside on the couch under a blanket, Monkey and I were huddled together in the dark, waiting for the bus outside. It wasn't helping that I had just come down with another cold right after I had gotten over my Christmas/New Years cold.

Time passed. No bus.

More time passes. Still no bus.

Monkey is starting to pace a little bit, and he's walking further out to get a better view of whether or not he can see if the bus is coming. Each time, nothing.

I check the time again and the bus is now more than 15 minutes late. I have a good relationship with the driver since Monkey is the only one on this particular special transportation route. Usually she texts me or calls me, and I've heard nothing from her or from the transportation department at the district about the status of the bus. I wonder if she's out sick today. Monkey had a substitute driver yesterday afternoon... It's probably why I hadn't heard anything.

I pull out the ice scraper and come up with a plan. I tell Monkey that I'm going to go ahead and start prepping the car in the event that I need to take him to school, but we are going to give it a little bit more time and see what happens.

The ice is layered in such a way that it doesn't do me much good to scrape the windows, so I go inside and get my car keys and start up the car to start the thawing out process.

I check the time again. The bus is now over 20 minutes late. Okay, it's time to call the transportation department! I get on the phone and tell them that the bus is very late and we've been standing outside in the cold while I am sick. I am promptly put on hold with dispatch while they look into the status of his bus.

Monkey and I watch the exhaust billowing from the car in the frosty air. The windshield wipers finally come free from their icy position and begin to work. We listen to the rubbery scrape while the car idles. It seems we are the only ones awake and moving in the chilly dark of the morning.

"Yes, hello? Well, it appears that there is a problem with the bus and it is not operating. I can try to get another bus dispatched to him for you but I would need to find out exactly how long that would take."

Bitter, ugly thoughts jump around in my head, but I do not utter them out loud.

"Ummm, I don't think that's necessary. While I've been on hold with you, I've been de-icing my car. I'll go ahead and take him to school myself. Next time I would appreciate a call to let me know if the bus is not coming. Thank you." I coughed loudly for effect before I hung up. I'm a teeny bit passive-agressive that way.

I go back into the house and tell Prince Charming he needs to get his coat and shoes on because we have to take his brother to school. He complains bitterly, but complies.

I wouldn't want to get out from under the blanket either. And, it's a change in his routine. I understand why it's hard for him. But, I don't have much patience. I feel like crap, I'm cold, I'm irritated, and Monkey is already late for school.

It occurs to me to call the teacher to let him know what's happening. By doing so, I was able to reassure Monkey that his teacher knows he'll be late and that he said it would be fine. Monkey liked hearing that his teacher said, "I'll see him when he gets here!"

I go back outside and quickly discover that my car doors are frozen shut. Like completely. Not moving a millimeter. Frozen.

Great.

I head back inside and see Prince Charming is ready to go, thank God. I run the faucet until I get really hot water while I search the cabinets for a pitcher. Prince Charming comes outside with me and both the boys watch while I pour the hot water over the doors. They watch the steam rising from the car and the ice melting off. The doors magically open. Voila! They pile into the car, and we are off! Monkey is now over 30 minutes past when his bus should have arrived and he is most definitely late for school.

We head down the road, and I quickly run over the events of the morning in my head. I realize something pretty significant.

Monkey didn't get upset. He wasn't excessively worried. The most intense thing he did was pace a little and watch for the bus quietly.

I was amazed. I was proud.  Maybe my reassurances all of these years are finally soaking in. Who knows?

"Hey, kid. I wanna tell you that I'm really proud of the way you handled the bus situation this morning. I know it's hard for you to be late and I'm happy that you didn't worry too much about the bus. Like I told you before, you'll get to school no matter what, because if the bus can't take you, I will. You can count on that. Hey...I have an idea!"

"What?"

"Well, since you did such a good job this morning by being flexible and not feeling upset about the bus, I was thinking about a possible surprise. But, if we do the surprise, it means you're going to be another 5 minutes late to school. You can choose what you want to do. If you want to go straight to school, then that's what we'll do. If you're okay being a few more minutes later than we already are, then I'll tell you my idea."

He paused for a moment, assessing his options. "I'll be okay if we are 5 more minutes late. What's the surprise?"

"How about we get some hot chocolate on the way to school because you did such a good job?"

"I knew it!"

"Yeah, I figured you did, kiddo."

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And with that, Monkey and Prince Charming got to enjoy a very rare treat while in the car on an icy morning on the way to Monkey's school all because the bus was late.

When we got to the school, Monkey was very calm. He got his attendance slip from the office and walked down the hall to his class while Prince Charming and I told him goodbye. He did such a good job. It was well worth a little treat.

One thing I've learned with my boys is to celebrate the small wins. It's not often that you get a huge win, so recognize the little steps that are gained and make sure your child knows that you see them happening. Sometimes a little hot chocolate on the way to school can be a very good thing.

The saving grace of going back to school

When summer draws to a close and school starts again, I think what many of you do:

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

 

I crack up whenever I see this video!

How did your summer go? Did you survive? Did your children survive?

We did okay. Not great. Not horrible. Just okay. Prince Charming lost his ESY (extended school year) services. Monkey somehow managed to keep his ESY, although they cut his hours in half. I’m sorry, but 12 hours over an entire summer isn’t super helpful. Whatever. That’s another conservation for another day… We happen to love our ESY teachers, and something is better than nothing.

Last spring I found a local Groupon-type deal for a beginner’s karate class and thought it would be a perfect summer activity. It would be a good, healthy, and inexpensive way to add a routine to our summer schedule. At the beginning of summer Prince Charming was dying to go and Monkey would launch into tears at the mere mention of it. My how things changed once they started going to the class! Monkey enjoyed himself immensely and managed to earn his white belt. Prince Charming refused to participate and would launch into a meltdown at the drop of a hat. And, that’s one more conversation for another day…   

Despite summer preparations including a newly defined reward schedule, a list of expected behaviors, and lists/charts around the house for regular routines, the break from school was not easy. It never is. I did my best to set things and prepare so that the summer would be simple and straightforward, but life has a way of changing things up sometimes.  

In fact, we saw some significant regression over the summer with Prince Charming. The words, “I told you so” (directed to the school district in regard to their removal of services) come to mind. His sensory system became quite a bit more reactive, and I found myself needing to equip him with a sensory toolkit just to leave the house each day. We haven’t had to do things to that level in a quite some time and it was disheartening to see him react so easily and quickly escalate into meltdowns.

The boys also found their brotherly voices over the summer break. And by brotherly voices, I refer to their constant bickering, yelling, screaming, fighting, kicking, and general disdain toward one another. The silver lining to that cloud is that it is all very neurotypical behavior, so I had to remind myself of that as I could feel my head wanting to explode repeatedly.

As summer wore on, there was a general shortening of my fuse. At times I possess a large amount of patience; other times, well…not so much. I have been told by parents and professionals on various occasions that they are impressed with my patience and calm demeanor around my kids when they are acting up. I am no saint, that’s for sure.

I found myself getting irritated more quickly and the general noise level began to really bother me. My house has never been a quiet place, but during the summer ear plugs should be standard issue.

Needless to say, my nonprofit work and blog writing came to a grinding halt. You may have noticed I was almost completely absent here on Caffeinated Autism Mom during the summer months. Now you know why. I can’t write or work in a chaotic environment. My brain doesn’t function that way. I can only filter so much and then at a certain point I just can’t do anything productive.

During the summer I actually had my first migraine in years, and there were also a couple of multiple-day headaches thrown in there for good measure. At a certain point I became ugly mommy with a bad attitude that could raise her voice at the drop of a hat. I’m not proud of that. It’s not a shining moment for me at all.

I hadn’t truly realized how much my attitude had changed until one day things were particularly rough. The boys were bound and determined to fight like cats and dogs and I had simply had it. I was DONE. And, I yelled. Loudly. In no uncertain terms, I laid down the law and separated them. Since they obviously couldn’t be near each other without having a problem, I took away that choice for the afternoon.

Later that day in a quiet moment when peace had been mostly restored, Prince Charming came to sit with me and said that he was looking forward to school so that I wouldn’t be mad anymore.

Knife to the heart.

Within the same hour, Monkey told me that I needed a break. He then told me that when he and Prince Charming started back to school again he thought I would be happier. That effectively twisted the knife.

I felt as small as a gnat.

I took each of the boys aside and apologized for my behavior. I talked with them about why I was having a hard time and what they could do to help so that we could all be happier.

School started the next day. I did not do a celebratory dance or take a nap or eat a bucket full of chocolate. I felt sad. I was relieved for the quiet, but I was sad that our summer ended the way it did. I can’t fix it or make it better. I can only try to do better next time.     

I will tell you that I noticed an immediate shift in my demeanor. When the boys got home from school, I was eager to talk with them about their day. I was 100% clued in, sharing the moment with them and truly happy to hear all that they had to say. I could feel my blood pressure lower and my jaw un-clench. My joy had returned, and it only took one day with a 4-hour break from the boys to do it.

It really is the most wonderful time of the year.   

   

Ewww...that's gross!

As the summer progresses, things just keep getting nuttier and nuttier around my house. The boys are wound up so tight with energy that I cannot adequately describe it to you, other than to borrow the words from my friend, Lindsay, over at Earth Monkey Moms. My boys are like “monkeys on crack.” Lindsay, you hit the nail on the head with that one!

I play my boys as hard as I can, but they do.not.slow.down. Ever. Unless they are sleeping. And, that could be potentially because mommy slipped them a magical “nighttime vitamin.” Melatonin, I love you. Truly. You have single-handedly saved my sanity at night.

I’m seeing an increase in sensory-seeking behavior as the summer progresses. It’s cropping up everywhere we go. At home. In the car. Out in public. Everywhere. They can be loud, erratic, argumentative, and even combative. They are ramping up their behavior in every way possible. In the process they have developed some new, ummm, interests…  Yes, interests. That’s what I'll call it.

Those interests involve their fingers. If you are a fellow mom you might have some sort of idea where I’m going with this. Good Lord, help me.  

Prince Charming has learned the fine art of mining for treasure in his nose. He’s getting to be quite the expert. He likes to practice this skill in private and I catch him every so often. When caught, he immediately runs and hides so he can attempt to continue his new favorite sport without seeing mommy’s disapproving glare.

Monkey decided he’d like to take a stab at Prince Charming’s worst habit – nail biting. He is quite the consummate professional now. Not only does he peel off his nails with his teeth, he picks at his fingers until hang nails form and even bleed. As a matter of fact, he has taught himself to put on a bandaid by himself because it was happening so much that I began refusing to fix him up. Whenever I see him with a bandaid on his finger I know what he’s been up to. As if it couldn’t get any better, he has taken nail biting and turned it into the art form of removing a portion of nail and treating it like chewing gum in his mouth. It.is.disgusting. He is an expert at being sneaky, so I know I’m only catching him in the act a fraction of the time he actually does it. Blech! It makes my stomach turn just writing about it.

I know boys will be boys and all that, but my boys are driving me bananas with their new habits. What is a stressed out mom to do? I’m thinking bribery. Whaaat? Yes, it's true. I have been known to offer a bribe now and again.

We are approaching the end of summer break and I’m feeling worn down and in need of a mommy treat. And, a bribe can also be a mommy treat. Especially when it’s Starbucks! Can you say treat receipt time? My boys love to split a grande passion tea lemonade. It’s pink, after all. And, there’s nothing quite like the threat of mom consuming their special treat in front of them if they continue to choose to misbehave. I know, I know. I’m bad. But, I’m so good at it! J

I hope you are surviving your summer break! If you happen to be so lucky as to already have your kids back in school, well, let’s just say that I’m jealous.  

  

I feel bad. Can I have some food?

Monkey has always had a penchant for numbers. He loves them! He has been very interested in pedometers since he learned about them in his PE class. I happened to have one sitting in a drawer and I gave it to him when I saw his excitement at having such a treasure in my possession. He loved to wear the pedometer and I would see him checking it periodically throughout the day so he could announce updates on his number of steps.

Well, the pedometer went missing. We think it may have come off of his waistband when he was either in his classroom or on the playground. Monkey started to immediately cry when he realized he wasn’t going to find it right away. He wasn’t faking or forcing tears for attention or manipulation like we are used to seeing as of late. No, this was true mourning over a loved trinket.

I felt bad for him. I also thought it was a good moment to help drive a point home. Want to know how mean I am? I used his moment of pain to remind him about the time he stole a toy from another student. Yes, I did. I went there. I talked with him about how sad he felt knowing that his pedometer was lost, and then asked him to imagine how this other boy might have felt the same way when his toy was stolen. Monkey kept crying and nodded his head in sorrowful agreement. There may have actually been some recognition clicking away in his brain. At least I hope...

Did I stop there? No! “Mean” mom kept it up. I’m all about the teachable moments.

I shared a story with him about how I had lost some important papers and I couldn’t find them anywhere. I told him how even after looking for a couple of days all over the house I still couldn’t find them and felt very sad. (The real reason I was sad was because it was almost tax day, I had been procrastinating, and I had lost some of our tax paperwork! I practically tore apart the house as I rabidly searched for the paperwork.) I told Monkey how I had tried really hard to find my lost papers but realized that they were probably going to stay lost, and I gave up my search. (As a result, I was forced to file my very first tax extension so I could gather up all of the paperwork again from scratch. That was a *very* proud moment.) Then, something amazing happened and I found the missing papers! (They were within 2 feet of where I keep my laptop, so I wouldn't lose them. Yup. Just put the white dunce cap on me and stick me in the corner with a big “L” on my forehead. I was so happy I cried.)    

I talked with him about how sometimes we just have to think carefully about where we could have misplaced something, like when we last saw it or used it and where we were, so it can help us when we are searching. I also worked in a brief lesson about how it’s always easier to find something that is lost when you keep your surroundings (like your room) clean. (No snickering about my lost tax paperwork, people!)

He sat on my lap, quietly crying as we talked about all of these things. Well, I mostly did the talking as he sat in forlorn silence. We sat and cuddled and his tears began to dry up. As he got up out of the chair he said something I never thought I would hear.

“I feel bad. Can I have some more food?”

I turned my head suddenly to look at my husband with bugged out eyes that screamed, “Did I just hear what I think I heard?” I replied to Monkey, “Honey, you don’t need food to feel better. There are lots of other things that can make you feel good, like a hug from dad or me.”  

I have food issues. I’m overweight and have been for a very long time. My weight problem has gotten worse as my stress has increased in the past several years. I have worked hard to not have my kids associate food with emotions because I don’t want them to have the same struggle. They have enough to deal with as it is! So, we structured our token economy system at home to include many reward options that are not food-related. I’ve even worked with the boys’ teachers to make sure that they are not regularly rewarding with food.  

While I’m talking with Monkey about what you can do to feel better (I think we're now on lesson number 3!), Titan suddenly became inspired and hopped onto the internet to look up a Public Service Announcement video from the 1980’s. It was a cartoon about a kid who decided that he didn’t need a cookie to feel better. Titan and I began to tag-team the search for the vintage video and we found it!

(YouTube is not cooperating for some reason, so I can't embed the video into the post... Just click on the link below instead.)

1980's PSA - Love can do wonders without adding weight 

The search for the pedometer continues. And truthfully, I hope that the trauma of Monkey losing something important to him for the first time will help those little lessons stick. 

That's my boy!

About a week ago we started a new reward schedule with the boys. We’ve been struggling with some negative behaviors and wanted a fresh start to get them actively working on their particular issues. At the end of each week we tally their goals and see what they’ve accomplished. They had a respectable showing, especially considering it was only the first week.   

Both boys accomplished half their goals and were able to select a reward from a small list. One of the choices is to earn $10, which can be saved or spent as desired. Monkey opted for this choice. He spotted a t-ball set at the store recently and decided that’s what he wanted to buy. He’s never shown interest in baseball before, so we were happy to see that he was branching out in his ideas for fun activities. He determined, quite adamantly, that he would be saving his money until he had enough to purchase the t-ball set.

After about 2 days of focusing on the t-ball set, he changed his mind. He decided it would be much more fun to go with something he’s already familiar with and quite adept at. Computer games. Yep. I wasn’t surprised. As soon as he’d changed his mind, he became obsessed with going to the store to spend his money NOW. So, after confirming repeatedly that this was really what he wanted to do, we negotiated the terms of a spur-of-the-moment shopping trip. One of the key things he had to accomplish was to finish whatever dinner we put on his plate. If he did that, I could take him out on a special shopping trip after dinner.

We knew we would have to be fast because bedtime was rapidly approaching. Monkey was practically chomping at the bit to eat his dinner and get out the door. He decided that he wanted to buy the “Jeopardy!” game for his laptop and he knew exactly which office supply store had it. So, we were off.

I’d had a long day, and frankly, the time change had thrown me off. I had been feeling a bit drowsy for a portion of the day and couldn’t seem to snap out of it. As we were driving along and listening to the radio on our way to the store, I let out a huge yawn. I said, “Boy! I am so sleepy!” You want to know what Monkey excitedly said to me? “You can’t be tired! We’re going shopping!” Now, that’s my boy!

I immediately grinned and thought how easily those words could have come out of my mouth. I consider myself a combat shopper, after all! When I’m on a mission to hunt for bargains, you better watch out!

Needless to say, Monkey was a little late getting to bed because we ended up having to drive to 3 different stores before we found the game. He bought it and his joy was palpable. And, I’m still grinning. He’s my boy.

Strategies for managing challenging behaviors

In my last post I shared some tips on how to get your child to take their vitamins. At the end of that post, I alluded to some strategies for managing behaviors by setting up a supportive structure and reward system.  I know it wasn’t very nice of me to leave you hanging like that, but I am now ready to extend a hand and get you off the cliff you’re hanging from. Without further adieu, let’s discuss some great ways to manage challenging behaviors.    

Rules

If we didn’t have rules in our house, I think I would explode from all of the chaos. Most kids on the autism spectrum respond in some way to rules and boundaries. In fact, this can be an easy way to manage your household when you have a child who is strictly rule-bound. Setting clear rules of expected behavior is a first line of defense in keeping everyone in your household sane. Coming up with a list of rules to be enforced will differ depending on the age and development of the child. For the younger set, you might choose to designate one rule at a time, or make up a few rules with pictures that express the idea of the rule. For older children, you can involve them much more in the process. They can help make the list by writing rules on a piece of paper, decorating the paper with artwork, or even collaborating on ideas for what rules should be created.

When my kids were younger, I listed rules in very simple terms (3 words or less) and then added pictures for the benefit of my younger son who couldn’t read the words. For example, there was one that said, “Quiet voice” colored in green to indicate this was a desired behavior. Next to the words I placed a clip art picture of a smiley face with his index finger up to his lips as if he was saying, “Shhhh.” Then, below the green desired behavior I listed the undesired behavior, “No yelling” in red letters with a clip art picture of an angry face that appeared to be yelling. I went through this process for several behaviors that we were having problems with in our house. Another rule we had was, “Calm body” with its counterpart, “No hitting.” Now that my boys are a little bit older, we try to involve them more in the rule-making process. My husband and I always choose the first rule, which is whatever we deem as the most critical area of concern at the time. Then, each boy gets to choose several rules out of a list so that they feel like they have some control over their own daily destiny. Although some of the basic rules of the house apply to both boys, additional rules are customized for each child since they have different issues.  

Rules can be literally anything you need to work on with your child, from simple things like eating at least one bite of dinner, to more complex behavioral problems specific to your child. What I have learned about kids on the spectrum is that you can tell them what NOT to do all day long, but they won’t know how to comply because you haven’t told them what they CAN do. By focusing the rules on the positive angle of what behaviors you expect, it’s easier for them to make the connection. Keep in mind, rules are never stagnant. They should change and grow with your children. Issues will come and go, and so should the rules. Be prepared to teach the rules consistently, but then also be willing to change them if they no longer fit the situation.