Inclusion vs. Segregation

This topic has been coming up a lot lately for me. It’s relevant in schools, in families, in circles of friends, and just in living life with a child that has special needs in a world that doesn’t always understand or tolerate them. It’s the argument between how to keep our kids in a safe and appropriate environment, and how to balance that with living in the real world.

Those of you that are raising a child with autism are well aware of the challenges that come with taking your child out into public, particularly when they are younger and less able to control their actions. This can be made worse when they do not have words for communication. Some of our kids that are more significantly affected will show their differences more obviously. You might take a look at them and just know that something is going on. Others that are less impacted by their diagnosis have more “invisible” symptoms. These less visible traits can be the bothersome things that get a child labeled as a “brat” or the mother as a “bad parent” when they are out in the real world.

In our schools, parents can fight bitterly for keeping their child in a self-contained setting because it is the most appropriate for their needs with the additional supports they might access in those classrooms. For others, the fight is to move the child out of that environment because it is stifling their growth and they need exposure to typical peers in a mainstream setting. Each can be equally appropriate, depending on the child.

A few weeks ago, a good friend of mine told me about a trip she planned for her kids to go out for dine-in fast food, with the assistance of their ABA therapist. This took some intent and planning and did not happen overnight. They made sure to go at a time that was off peak hours so they would have a better chance to escape without a meltdown. The trip out to the restaurant was no easy feat, particularly since she has 3 young kids diagnosed on the spectrum. She was dreading it, but knew that it would provide much needed practice for her kids, and it would be helpful to have the support of the professional that would accompany her that day.  

As you might expect, the experience had a few hiccups. And, someone at the restaurant could not resist making an intolerant comment when her youngest son started acting up. As a parent, when those things happen, you try that much harder to try to make your kid fit the mold of what is expected in public, and you become keenly aware of how different they are in that moment. It can be excruciating to try to overcompensate and do anything to make things better when you are the target of negative attention like that. She maintained her calm, but this person could not resist continuing to make disparaging remarks. And, like probably anyone in her shoes would do in the same situation, after a certain amount of time passed and the agitation increased, she let him have it. Loudly.     

I have had plenty of moments when Grumpy Badger was wildly melting down in public while we were waiting to check out at the grocery store, or when he would start screaming in the library, etc. I got my fair share of judgmental and searing stares, as I avoided eye contact with others and tried to rush my boys out of the situation before it got even worse.

I tend to be fairly non-confrontational, but those experiences taught me something. As a parent, you have to find your spine and use it when needed! Sometimes you have to be willing to provide an impromptu autism awareness lesson for those around you. If you can do it without yelling or breaking down into sobbing, all the better.   

Things have gotten a lot easier for us as we venture out beyond the doors of our home. We are no longer in crisis all the time. My boys have grown in their skills and abilities, and they are gaining maturity in certain areas. We have our moments when things are still difficult, but it’s definitely not as hard as it once was. For that, I’m thankful. But, I also vividly remember what it was like. And, I know so many people that are continuing to go through these situations daily and may not ever know what it’s like to have a reprieve.

This topic came up again when I was recently interviewed by a college student about the challenges of parenting a child with a special need. She was specifically looking to learn about the perceived societal stigmas and how parents cope with those pressures. I realized that the way I deal with the stigmas and expectations is very different than when I first became a parent.

To be blunt, I don’t give much of a crap anymore about what people think about me, my kids, or my parenting. This is autism, and it ain’t always pretty.    

One of the things I have been working on through my nonprofit is the normalization of differences and creating tolerance for special needs in all settings. I have given many presentations touching on this topic. It’s needed everywhere. Through educating and bringing awareness to a group of people interacting with the public (which includes families that have children with special needs, like mine), some of those people become the catalyst for change. They can take the information to heart and forward on their new perspective to others. I know it works. People have told me how they’ve shared the message, and it’s gone far beyond them after they heard me talk one day. The word can spread when people are willing to listen. The impact can be far-reaching.    

Image Source

I just read a very interesting article posted on March 16, 2013 from Amy S.F. Lutz in Slate Magazine on this very thing. Please take a moment to read it here. It’s well worth a few minutes of your time! She provides a lot of context and makes you really think about this idea of special needs segregation vs. inclusion.

For me, it is a very loaded topic because it touches on so many things.

I can’t help but draw a parallel between the intolerances shown toward people of different races and the intolerances shown toward people with both visible and invisible disabilities. It’s like we have a new “ism” now, but there is no defined name for it other than discrimination and intolerance.

A new form of segregation can be found in a self-contained classroom, whether that’s good or bad.

Self-inflicted segregation happens when parents will bend over backwards to conduct errands at off-peak times, trying to avoid large audiences and be as inconspicuous as possible. I have done this more times than I can count. It’s usually much safer at home, and this is why so many autism families feel so isolated.

We know that the world isn’t ready to deal with the influx of children and adults with autism and other special needs. As parents, we are trying to prepare our kids for the world and also prepare the world for our kids.

Have you thought about how to educate others and create awareness without it feeling confrontational and creating further discord? What works for you? What hasn’t worked?

If you haven’t yet thought about it, maybe now is the time.             

 

The saving grace of going back to school

When summer draws to a close and school starts again, I think what many of you do:

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

 

I crack up whenever I see this video!

How did your summer go? Did you survive? Did your children survive?

We did okay. Not great. Not horrible. Just okay. Prince Charming lost his ESY (extended school year) services. Monkey somehow managed to keep his ESY, although they cut his hours in half. I’m sorry, but 12 hours over an entire summer isn’t super helpful. Whatever. That’s another conservation for another day… We happen to love our ESY teachers, and something is better than nothing.

Last spring I found a local Groupon-type deal for a beginner’s karate class and thought it would be a perfect summer activity. It would be a good, healthy, and inexpensive way to add a routine to our summer schedule. At the beginning of summer Prince Charming was dying to go and Monkey would launch into tears at the mere mention of it. My how things changed once they started going to the class! Monkey enjoyed himself immensely and managed to earn his white belt. Prince Charming refused to participate and would launch into a meltdown at the drop of a hat. And, that’s one more conversation for another day…   

Despite summer preparations including a newly defined reward schedule, a list of expected behaviors, and lists/charts around the house for regular routines, the break from school was not easy. It never is. I did my best to set things and prepare so that the summer would be simple and straightforward, but life has a way of changing things up sometimes.  

In fact, we saw some significant regression over the summer with Prince Charming. The words, “I told you so” (directed to the school district in regard to their removal of services) come to mind. His sensory system became quite a bit more reactive, and I found myself needing to equip him with a sensory toolkit just to leave the house each day. We haven’t had to do things to that level in a quite some time and it was disheartening to see him react so easily and quickly escalate into meltdowns.

The boys also found their brotherly voices over the summer break. And by brotherly voices, I refer to their constant bickering, yelling, screaming, fighting, kicking, and general disdain toward one another. The silver lining to that cloud is that it is all very neurotypical behavior, so I had to remind myself of that as I could feel my head wanting to explode repeatedly.

As summer wore on, there was a general shortening of my fuse. At times I possess a large amount of patience; other times, well…not so much. I have been told by parents and professionals on various occasions that they are impressed with my patience and calm demeanor around my kids when they are acting up. I am no saint, that’s for sure.

I found myself getting irritated more quickly and the general noise level began to really bother me. My house has never been a quiet place, but during the summer ear plugs should be standard issue.

Needless to say, my nonprofit work and blog writing came to a grinding halt. You may have noticed I was almost completely absent here on Caffeinated Autism Mom during the summer months. Now you know why. I can’t write or work in a chaotic environment. My brain doesn’t function that way. I can only filter so much and then at a certain point I just can’t do anything productive.

During the summer I actually had my first migraine in years, and there were also a couple of multiple-day headaches thrown in there for good measure. At a certain point I became ugly mommy with a bad attitude that could raise her voice at the drop of a hat. I’m not proud of that. It’s not a shining moment for me at all.

I hadn’t truly realized how much my attitude had changed until one day things were particularly rough. The boys were bound and determined to fight like cats and dogs and I had simply had it. I was DONE. And, I yelled. Loudly. In no uncertain terms, I laid down the law and separated them. Since they obviously couldn’t be near each other without having a problem, I took away that choice for the afternoon.

Later that day in a quiet moment when peace had been mostly restored, Prince Charming came to sit with me and said that he was looking forward to school so that I wouldn’t be mad anymore.

Knife to the heart.

Within the same hour, Monkey told me that I needed a break. He then told me that when he and Prince Charming started back to school again he thought I would be happier. That effectively twisted the knife.

I felt as small as a gnat.

I took each of the boys aside and apologized for my behavior. I talked with them about why I was having a hard time and what they could do to help so that we could all be happier.

School started the next day. I did not do a celebratory dance or take a nap or eat a bucket full of chocolate. I felt sad. I was relieved for the quiet, but I was sad that our summer ended the way it did. I can’t fix it or make it better. I can only try to do better next time.     

I will tell you that I noticed an immediate shift in my demeanor. When the boys got home from school, I was eager to talk with them about their day. I was 100% clued in, sharing the moment with them and truly happy to hear all that they had to say. I could feel my blood pressure lower and my jaw un-clench. My joy had returned, and it only took one day with a 4-hour break from the boys to do it.

It really is the most wonderful time of the year.   

   

Flashback Friday: Sensory Meltdown

Last year I wrote about a big meltdown that Prince Charming had while at therapy. I remember the incident vividly.

Even though I was among friends and fellow autism moms that day, I remember feeling pangs of embarrassment and slight panic as I tried to de-escalate him.

Thankfully, we haven't had one of those epic meltdowns in a while. I'll keep my fingers crossed that it stays that way.

Check out my post: Meltdowns Happen. 

The pyramid of crazy

If you are a parent of a child with autism, you quickly realize that there are new levels of crazy you have never experienced before. If you are a woman, this intensifies the situation. This topic came up the other day when I was in a mood. I had a headache that suddenly appeared and was escalating fast, my boys were driving me nuts, and, well, I was hormonal and felt like crap.

I had a full car as we headed off to therapy. In addition to my kids, I also had my husband and Miss C with me. Instead of the adults staying to participate in the therapy session, we dropped the boys off and got back in the car since I needed headache medicine in the form of a hot, caffeinated beverage. Miss C made an off-hand comment on our way to Starbucks. Sensing my mood before we left for the appointment, she chose not to say anything at the time because she knew I would likely maim her in some fashion. She was right. So, in the relative safety of the car (and the protection of my hubby) she shared her little quip about how she had been afraid to say something to me earlier that afternoon and instead chose to shut her trap for fear of the bodily harm I might have done to her.

My hubby laughed. Loudly. I whipped my head around to glare at him. He immediately changed his body posture and looked back at me timidly. I made some stern remark about how I was hormonal, I had cramps, I had a headache, I was in a pissy mood and you better not mess with me. (You should know that I’m really not as mean as I make myself sound…I had a humorous glint in my eye and a smile on my face while I was laying down the law.) Titan, sensing the mood was clearing a bit, replied with something to the effect of, “Yes, dear. Okay, dear. Anything you say, honey. I luuuuuv you.” With that we all broke into laughter.

Somehow this interchange started us in the direction of the different kinds of crazy we have observed. I got to talking about how you don’t want to mess with an autism mommy because she will cut you if you talk smack about her kids. We starting coming up with some hilarious anecdotes and we were all laughing very hard. Laughter is good medicine for headaches. And, coffee helps, too! I mentioned that all the talk about crazy would make a great topic for a blog post and I tucked it away in my brain for later.

Well, it does make a great topic for a blog post! I got to thinking about the conversation we had in the car and let my mind wander and funny stuff starting popping into my head. I actually cracked myself up and began laughing out loud while I was pondering what I would write about. I was imagining a diagram of crazy, much like you might see with the USDA’s Food Pyramid. Coming up with the names of the levels practically made me cry with laughter, so I knew I had to write about it. I crack myself up sometimes. And, here it is…the pyramid of crazy:

(It's kind of hard to read when it's so small... You can click on the image to make it larger.)

Would you like a little explanation?

Level 1: Tired, Hormonal, and/or Uncaffeinated crazy

This is the most common form of crazy and we’ve probably all been there quite often. Some autism moms can be afflicted by this form of crazy every day, to varying degrees. Lack of sleep, chronic stress, wacked out hormones and always being in need of caffeine is part of the job description. And yes, it does make you crazy one day at a time.  

Level 2: Gird your loins, I may cut you crazy

This is affectionately known as the Tonya Harding level of crazy. I can say that because I grew up in Oregon and worked at the mall where she practiced before she became all famous. I feel a little bit entitled to use her name for my gain, especially after her crazy unleashed itself at the Olympics and later in the wrestling ring. Anyway…this level is achieved when you have been at level 1 for too long, or if you have multiple forms of level 1 happening at the same time. Tired, hormonal AND uncaffeinated? That is a situation ripe with “I may cut you” potential! And, if your hubby is reason you are going crazy and you have the desire to whack him, you might warn him to gird his loins. They could become a target if he’s not careful!  

Level 3: Rubber room, reservation for 1 crazy

If after being at level 1 and possibly level 2 for an entire day (or an hour, depending on how predisposed to crazy you are), you may find yourself with the intense desire to go hide in your bedroom, lock the door, rock gently in the corner, and hum, “Soft Kitty” to yourself (thank you Sheldon Cooper for a song of comfort). You may feel the urge to escape your child with autism because they won’t stop scripting {insert the name of the cartoon you most loathe here}, stimming and/or melting down and you are about to snap or start the ugly sobbing that won’t stop without copious amounts of chocolate or alcohol.

Level 4: Batsh*t/Killer rabbit crazy

This level is known as Batsh*t crazy for most of you, but for the hardcore Monty Python fans (like we are at my house), the preferred name is Killer rabbit crazy. The Killer rabbit comes from the movie, Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I love what Wikipedia says about this character: “The rabbit is now used as a metaphor for something ostensibly harmless which is, in fact, deadly.” I can tell you from personal experience that if I have worked up to the Rubber room level and my emotions are raw from a rough day (or several days in a row of full-blown autism at its finest), this level is unavoidable as you become like an exposed nerve that can turn into full, insane crazy at the drop of a hat.  

Level 5: Blue-faced warrior crazy 

Do you remember the scene at the end of the movie Braveheart when Mel Gibson’s character is standing at the top of a hill making his big speech about them never taking away his freedom, and then he proceeds to fight with his army to the bitter, bloody end? Now imagine that your child with autism is a target of some idiot that decided to judge you as a bad parent and your child as a snot-nosed brat because they are having a meltdown while standing in line at a store. You will move easily up to Blue-faced warrior as you defend your child with a savage verbal attack before you feel compelled to go cry in the car. Have you ever seen a mob of autism mommies form out of thin air to circle the wagons around a family that has been harmed in some way as a direct result of their child’s autism? We are a vicious bunch when we are angry and have climbed the levels of crazy. Let me tell you…we are a force to be reckoned with. I think the blue paint would be an added bonus, given that blue is often associated as the color of autism. Can you imagine us running down that hill in our warrior paint screaming at the top of our lungs as we attack the stupid people? It’s an awesome visual, isn’t it?

Level 6: Shotgun crazy

The best way to describe this level of crazy is the picture from my Shotgun Mama post. If you’ve had a particularly rough time recently with your child and you are at the end of your rope, you may do like I do and call your husband to warn him that if he doesn’t start heading home from work the kids may not survive. When you’ve reached the top level of the crazy pyramid you may feel like if one more crappy thing happens people are gonna die. You know that I say this in jest. Jail just doesn’t fit in with my boys’ therapy schedule! Some autism mommies I know will take a vacation day away from their kids. I’d say that’s a good plan if you can swing some time away from your precious angels. Before going postal, you might consider talking with a mental health professional. I’m just sayin’.  

One last thing about the pyramid of crazy:

You don’t have to move through each level in succession. It is possible to be in more than 1 level at a time or to skip levels as you work through your particular brand of crazy.

We all have some sort of crazy inside of us, and autism has a way of magnifying that. You are not alone in your crazy. We are all right there with you. Revel in it and claim your level!

Take a deep, cleansing breath. Happy thoughts. J   

Introducing your child to their new teacher

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! It’s school time again! While I was prepping things last night for my boys’ first day of school, I was got to thinking about the process we go through each year to prepare the teachers for their arrival.

After my boys were diagnosed, I came up with the idea to write a letter introducing each of my boys to their teacher. I found that there was a lot I wanted to share with the teachers. But, downloading a whole bunch of information to them over the phone or in-person wasn’t necessarily the best approach because I couldn’t expect them to remember everything.  So, by placing the details in a letter, the teacher would have an individualized resource to refer to whenever needed. It was almost like giving them an answer key about my boys. Did you like that? Answer key. Teacher. Pretty slick, right? ;-) Moving on…

I’ve been writing introduction letters since 2008, and they average anywhere from 2-5 pages each. Each year I receive gratitude and many positive comments about the letters, since the teachers feel like they know and understand my kids before school even begins. Usually I write the letters during the summer and then email them or drop them off at the school several weeks in advance of the start of school. This way, the teacher will have them when they first start back to begin prepping their classrooms.

I thought that I would share the format of my letter with you. If you are not already doing something similar, this might give you the inspiration to try it for yourself. If writing a letter of introduction to a teacher is old hat to you, then great job! Read on, and maybe you can give me suggestions on how I can improve my format for next year. Here we go!  

Date

Dear Mr./Ms. Teacher:

I wanted to take this opportunity to give you some information about my child, _____, in preparation for him/her entering your class. You likely already know that he/she has an IEP. I would like to go a bit further than what you will find in the IEP, and provide you with a more in-depth perspective about my child so that you will understand him/her better.

First, my child is diagnosed with _____ and _____.

Give a brief description of their diagnosis (all of them, if there is more than one). Tell them what it means and how it affects your child. Be sure to include information about food allergies or other issues that are relevant and may need special attention.

Next, I would like to share some of his/her positive attributes and strengths.

It’s always good to start at the beginning with what your child has going for them. What makes them special and unique? List several things that are great about your child.

Now I would like to tell you about his/her favorite things, which are great motivators.

Try to list a few things your child responds positively to, like their favorite cartoon character, or their favorite toy, etc.     

In terms of academics, I would like to give you some information about his/her strengths and difficulties.

The IEP will probably go into this, but what do you see as the areas where your child excels? Areas of academic success can also be motivators. What are the things that your child struggles with in the classroom, or with homework?  

Next, I think it will be good for you to understand some of my child’s behaviors, triggers, and things we are working to improve.

Does your child have some odd, negative, or stimulatory behaviors? Share whatever you see at home that could also occur in the classroom. What things will trigger a meltdown? What are the things you are working on in private therapy?

I would now like to share with you some strategies and suggestions to deal with the previously listed behaviors and triggers.

What things work to help diffuse your child at home or therapy? Do you have a reward system? Do you use any calming techniques? What kinds of tools, words, or actions will help the teacher? Or, if you haven’t yet figured out what works, tell them what hasn’t worked so they know not to do those things.

In closing, I would like to thank you for reading this letter. I realize that I’ve given you a lot of information to digest about one child. I believe that your understanding of _____ through this letter and your upcoming experiences with him/her will serve to help him/her grow and better participate in your classroom. I fully expect him/her to have a marvelous year and to enjoy your class. Please do not hesitate to call or email me. I am including my contact information below. _____ and I are looking forward to a great year!   

Don’t forget to add in any other special requests or additional information that is relevant to your child’s success in the classroom.

Sincerely,

__________

Phone Numbers
Email

I realize that school has already started, but it is never too late to provide useful information about your child to their teacher. I think you will agree that it is a very good exercise to get into the habit of, and it will benefit both the teacher and your child. And, it will help you have less stress knowing  that you were proactive in getting the school year off to the right start.

For those of you who have written letters like this before, what things do you include that I didn’t touch on here? I’d love to hear your comments! Maybe you’ll inspire me to make some changes to my letter for next year!

Happy Back to School, everyone!

Have you entered the giveaway contest yet? Check it out here!

Young boy with autism is handcuffed

I read this article and I couldn’t get it out of my head. It struck me how easily something like this could happen to my son or many other kids I know.

An 8-year old boy with autism had a meltdown on a school bus and was then handcuffed and taken to the local children’s hospital for a mental health hold. They kept the boy in handcuffs long after he had calmed down. The mother was not allowed to escort her son to the hospital and instead the boy was transported by the police.

So many things run through my head when I think once again about this story.  

First, this whole thing is so very sad. For the mom. For the dad. For the child. For autism parents like me. For everyone. It also makes me angry. Very angry.   

Second, can you say lawsuit? There are so many things that could have legal remedy here. Most importantly is the lack of proper IEP implementation.

Third, the meltdown trigger could be so simple that it’s tragic to see how the whole thing unfolded. The article mentioned that the boy required a special seat belt for his bus transportation. Have any of you, like me, ever seen the calming effect of a seat belt (like a 5-point harness) on a child in full-tilt meltdown? Could it be all about the sensory for this boy?

There were times when Grumpy Badger would be flipping out in public, and all I could do was remove him from the situation and go sit with him in the car (belted into his car seat) until he calmed down. Sometimes getting him belted in, despite his physical struggle, was the only way to stop the escalation of his meltdown.

Along the same lines, isn’t it also safe to conjecture that something as insignificant as a change in routine (like this boy not having his special seat belt on the bus that day) could cause a meltdown, particularly if there is a sensory component to it? I think it is very possible.

The idea that it all could have come down to a change in routine and an easily-identifiable sensory issue really gets me. Could it have really been that simple?

The parents concerns over this incident should be pondered very carefully by the school district. The mother questioned why the police “didn’t take the handcuffs off once he had calmed down.” Very good question, mom! I don’t think there will be any sort of acceptable answer to that one. The father said, “It’s humiliating and it’s inhumane. If you’re going to tell me that ten adults can’t handle a 40 or 50 pound child, then there is something wrong. He didn’t need to be in handcuffs.” Dad, your words ring very true to me!

I could go on and on about this, but I don’t think you need or want me to hammer the point home in extremely minute detail. I think it’s fairly obvious that I don’t like what happened to this 8-year old boy one bit. This child was improperly served by his school and the situation was dealt with in the wrong way. Plain and simple. I can only pray that I never have to experience something like this with my own children.  

What are your thoughts about this incident? Please share your comments below.  

The juice and yogurt fiasco

Last week I told you about how I took out my juicer from its dusty hibernation. Since I have been known to be a really big wimp when it comes to eating vegetables, it’s easier for me to introduce veggies into my diet when they are juiced along with some beautiful, seasonal fruit. This is something healthy that I like to do for the whole family.  

The beginning of the fiasco...

Recently Monkey had a big issue with the juice du jour I made, which included organic nectarines, organic carrots, and lots of organic kale. The color of the juice was more green than not and I could just tell that getting him to drink it would be difficult that day. I opted to make a quick deal as I served the juice, hoping that I could circumvent any problems before they began.

We love So Delicious coconut milk yogurt. It’s way too expensive, but it’s a wonderful treat every once in a while. I happened to have some in the fridge and I thought it would be an excellent proverbial “carrot on the end of the stick” to entice my boys to drink their juice. After I made the promise that whoever finished their juice first would get to choose their yogurt first, it clicked in my brain that I might have a problem. There was only one container left. How did I forget that before I opened my big mouth?

You see, Monkey did one of his famous little tricks the day before. You may remember that we had to lock up our food because of his antics. I had forgotten that he had grabbed one of the containers of yogurt and opened it without my permission. I walked into the kitchen and he was standing there with the open cup in his hand, and he quickly asked, “Can I have this?” Um, it’s a little late for asking my permission, dude. Ugh. He ended up eating the yogurt that afternoon, but much to his dismay, I made him share it with his brother since he neglected to ask my permission beforehand.

Prince Charming powering down his juice and loving it.

So, no sooner than the bribe incentive of yogurt to the “winner” had left my mouth, I remembered the incident from the previous day and I knew I had just royally messed myself up. There was only 1 container left of the yogurt, which meant no choice at all and 1 kid (the second place juice drinker) would be without. I knew that with my promise, it would be worse if I asked them to split the single container. I double-checked the situation in the fridge and verified that I was about to have a really big problem.

I calmly told the boys the situation, gently reminding Monkey that the reason there was only 1 container left was because he had opened the other one without my permission the day before. The news did not go over well when Monkey looked over at Prince Charming’s cup and realized that he had already sucked down almost all of his juice while Monkey had barely touched his. He figured out his fate as the “loser” of the challenge and he didn’t like it one bit.  

That’s when the tears started. Those tears turned into a raised voice spiked with angst about how it was unfair that he wouldn’t get yogurt when he was done with his juice. He was mad that Prince Charming would earn the yogurt and he would have none. I reminded him about the day before and that I truly wasn’t punishing him. That was just the way things happened and there was no way for me to give him his own container when there simply was none left.



Monkey is trying to drink his juice through the tears.

After about a half-hour of crying and attempts at negotiating with me, Monkey finally asked to talk with his dad on the phone. I knew this moment was coming, so I agreed to let him call only if I had a chance to talk first and explain the situation to Titan. Frankly, with Monkey’s sobbing state I knew it would take him a very long time to get out a string of coherent thoughts that would make any sort of sense to Titan, and I certainly didn’t want to take that kind of time when he was in the middle of a busy work day.

We called Titan at work and I took my turn first and then Monkey had his turn. When things escalate at our house and I’m having trouble reasoning with the children, Titan has a way of getting through to them when they are distraught. He is like the kid-whisperer. It can be quite remarkable.

Sometimes I want to sock him in the arm through the phone when he gets them to settle down so quickly. Really? I’ve been negotiating, talking, cajoling, bribing, threatening, hugging, rocking, and everything else I can think of and we get on the phone with you and they are fine in about a minute? Really? Can I switch jobs with you for a day? Perhaps a week? Please?

Before they hung up, I got a quick run-down from Titan on what transpired and then Monkey and I chatted about the call afterward. Monkey listened to what his dad said, quickly became calm and finished his juice. We went on with our lunch routine, which was now stretching much later into the afternoon than usual. As we wrapped up and began talking about having quiet time, Monkey asked to call Titan again. I told him that it wasn’t a good idea since he was still at work and we had just talked with him, so I offered him the chance to send an email instead.

He was really excited to type his own email! He’s getting pretty good at using the keyboard and this was his first ever email to anyone, so it was a big deal for him. Other than changing the names, here is the email exactly as he wrote it:

Dad,
I finally did it, I finished my nectarine juice in 41 minutes and 23 seconds and so on.
I also tried to be a big boy and be like a superhero third grader
I also played sonic slam with Prince Charming too and we had a fun time together. Did you know that corn on the cob and chicken is what's for dinner?
My favorite food is Corn on the cob rather than juice.

Monkey

I think he did a great job! Don’t you? Now I think I need to brush up on my kid-whispering skills for the next fiasco.

"Seeing the green flash" on SPD Blogger Network

Happy Independence Day, everyone!

My post ran over at SPD Blogger Network today, so I wanted to share it with you. I wrote this one back in February, and it talked about how I was going through our nightly routine and a simple request from me turned into a full-tilt Grumpy Badger meltdown.

I hope you take a moment to hop over to SPD Blogger Network to check out my post.

Have a safe and happy holiday!

Bad Mommy at SPD Blogger Network

Over the weekend I had another post run over at SPD Blogger Network! I originally wrote “Bad Mommy” back in January. In the post I talked about how Monkey has some tactile sensory issues and how a potential sensory disaster was averted despite my forgetfulness.  

I encourage you to go visit the post over at SPD Blogger Network and don’t forget to browse some of the other posts, too. There’s a lot of great bloggers on the site!

I’d love to hear about your Bad Mommy experiences in the comments below. When did you mess up and how did your kids handle it? Did they make you laugh or did they have a major meltdown? Do tell!

My first post at SPD Blogger Network!

Wow! My first post was published today over at SPD Blogger Network! It's a wonderful site and I encourage all parents who have kids with any sort of sensory issue (which, let's face it, includes almost all of us!) to visit and read through the gamut of posts related to Sensory Processing Disorder.

"Meltdowns Happen" ran here on my blog in February. It's my second most popular post ever, so I'm thrilled to share it with a new audience. I hope that my story of managing a meltdown with Grumpy Badger will help others realize that you are not the only parent that deals with this kind of thing. Parents, especially moms, need to be reminded that you are not alone. I've been there, too. As a community, we're in this together.

Meltdowns happen, as much as we wish they didn't. This is despite the efforts of caring parents who work diligently to navigate situations that might trigger problems for their child. While our children learn coping strategies, our job is to continue helping them through those tough situations. Meltdowns are as hard on your child as they are on you. Keep moving and do what you think is best. You are the expert on your child, after all. Keep up the good work!

This is a great opportunity to learn from each other. I've found that tips from fellow parents are often better than those I've read in a book. Please feel free to comment below with strategies that have helped you and your child during a meltdown. Here's to meltdown-free days, or at least longer stretches between them!    

Meltdowns happen

You know the saying... “Sh*t happens!” Well, I can tell you that meltdowns happen! And they can be loads ‘o fun! Like poking your eye with a sharp stick kind of fun. I had the distinct pleasure of working through a meltdown last night with Grumpy Badger.  

Granted, he’s had some big transitions recently. He started a new schedule at school last week. We are working to integrate him from half-day into a longer school day, eventually moving him into a regular classroom. I think the changes are wearing him out, which makes his meltdown fuse shorter than normal.

I could tell when he got home from school that it might be an interesting night. He was very reactive to everything I was saying, and any demands placed upon him launched an automatic tirade of complaining and “I don’t want to” responses.

By the time we got to his social skills group, he seemed to be more cooperative and I thought we might be able to redeem the evening. Toward the end of his appointment, he was becoming unfocused and non-participatory. The meltdown alert system in my head started to sound the alarm that there might be impending doom sometime soon. I was right.

Seeing the green flash

Have you heard of the green flash? It’s an optical phenomenon that has been popularized by the likes of Jules Verne and, more recently, in the movie Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. The green flash is a glimmer of green light that appears momentarily at sunset as the sun dips below the horizon. Have you seen one in real life? I have, but not in the beauty of the sun setting over a calm sea. No, I saw mine last night at the exact moment my son’s angry outburst turned into a full-fledged meltdown.

I literally saw the point of no return. It was a flash before my eyes when I was trying to calm down Grumpy Badger. Why? All because he didn’t want to blow his nose.

It always starts off innocuously enough. I heard him sniffling. Granted, we’ve had a little runny nose thing in our house for the past few days. Unlike the rest of the country who is under snow and ice right now, we’ve been seeing some beautifully mild weather here. I actually have crocuses blooming and bulbs popping up in my yard. So, it’s easy to guess that a drippy nose could be caused by our spring-like weather. No biggie.

Well, the King of Perseveration himself, Monkey, took a runny nose as a great way to develop a new talent. Obsessively sniffling. We’re not talking the odd sniff here and there. No, it’s almost as if he’s been watching Mary Katherine Gallagher on Saturday Night Live. Remember her? She was Molly Shannon’s character that would sniff her fingers after they’d been in her armpits. “Superstar!” I digress... Well, Monkey’s been sniffling kind of like that. Without the armpits. And, without the fingers. Just with his nose. Loudly. My guess is that it gives him some good sensory input and so he keeps doing it. And doing it.

Grumpy Badger, the King of Echolalia, has been listening to Monkey sniffle. As you can probably guess, he’s now copying the behavior. Both of them are doing it often enough that they have effectively formed a new, loads-of-fun-for-me-to-break-later habit!

So, I’m “helping” Grumpy Badger get ready for bed because he was showing signs of being uncooperative. While in the midst of getting changed, he sniffed loudly right next to me. I heard the congestion in his nose and left to get a tissue. Knowing that I didn’t want him going to bed with a full nose of gook, I asked him to stop sniffing the stuff back up into his nose and try blowing it out into a tissue. He refused and whipped his head away from me. I talked with him a little bit about how the stuff in his nose can make him sick if he doesn’t get it out, and tried again to get him to use a tissue. He sniffed in protest and I saw his face scrunch up with an angry scowl.

That’s when it happened. I swear I saw a green flash! I knew the simple act of requesting him to blow his nose in the middle of his nighttime routine had just turned into a battle that I didn’t want to wage. I settled into a position seated on his bedroom floor because I knew that the faster I helped him resolve his meltdown, the faster he would get to bed. As I sat there, I quietly spoke to him about calming down. When he started lashing out physically, I scooped him into an intense bear hug. His body needed the pressure to help de-escalate his mood. All told, I think the meltdown lasted around 15 minutes.

After the drama had subsided, I was able to talk with him. He was ready to engage in the conversation and not shut down. Apparently after getting all of that energy out of his system, his body was finally ready to cooperate, which meant his mind could then follow suit. And you know what? He laid his head down onto his pillow with a huge smile, AFTER blowing his nose into a tissue.