School started a few weeks ago and we are in the middle of
the transitional time where the boys are getting used to their new schedule and
they’re becoming acclimated to their new teachers and classrooms. It is always
a challenge, but school is always such a welcome experience following the
less-scheduled summertime.
Over the past couple of months I have noticed that the boys were
starting to fight more. At first it was kind of cute in a way. This is because
in the past they weren’t really interested enough in each other to spend the
time and energy to play together, much less fight. Their autism experience
meant they didn’t choose to have interactions with each other unless it was necessary.
As they began to have small arguments and sibling rivalry, I
was excited for those neurotypical moments. In my mind, it was part of their
development and they were learning what it meant to be brothers. They appeared
to be going through something that all siblings go through when they just rub
each other the wrong way simply because they live together in the same house
day after day. I know what that’s like and so does everyone else out there that
is not an only child.
Their fighting became more intense as the summer continued, and it also became physical. It got so bad that at the end of summer it
seemed that we were dealing with daily screaming matches, hitting or kicking that
always led to someone getting hurt or brought to tears, and the eventual
slamming of doors and yelling through the walls to continue the argument from
their different rooms after I had to forcibly separate them when I couldn’t
take any more.
In many regards, Prince Charming has been the instigator of most
the fights. Although, Monkey is not innocent and often pushes all the hot
buttons that quickly trigger his little brother. You would think that Monkey
would just clock Prince Charming because he has been training in karate for a
year now. But, what I found was that Monkey would often fall victim to the
aggression that came from Prince Charming when he had turned into a Grumpy
Badger. Monkey wouldn’t defend himself and would eventually get hurt to some
degree; but I’ve found that about half the time his “hurt” is for dramatic
purposes in the hope that it will get his brother in trouble.
After a particularly rough week last week, I sat down with
Prince Charming to have a talk about what had been going on between him and his
brother. I had been thinking that some of the fighting had to do with his need
for sensory input on his body (a.k.a. “proprioception”). He had been hitting
his punching bag in his room a lot more recently, and I wasn’t sure if it was
due to anger issues or sensory issues or both.
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| This is the punching bag that Prince Charming uses. He doesn't use the gloves. (Affiliate Link) |
After a few minutes I asked him, “Honey, why do you keep
hitting your brother?”
The response I got was quite surprising.
“He makes a really great punching bag, Mommy.”
It struck me as funny and I immediately started to laugh. He
got a case of the giggles because I was laughing, so we had a good chuckle for
a moment.
Then I asked him, “What do you mean by ‘he makes a great
punching bag’?”
“It feels good when I punch him.”
“So, do you like punching him to make him cry, or do you
like the way it feels on your hand?”
“It feels good on my hand. He’s softer than my punching
bag.”
“Oh, I understand! It makes your body feel good when you are
hitting something, and hitting him feels nicer than hitting the punching bag.”
“Yeah.”
“I have an idea about something else you could do that might
make you feel the same way but wouldn’t hurt your brother. Do you want to try
it with me?”
“Yes!”
He got really excited. I demonstrated how he could put couch
cushions on the floor and try to punch straight down to see if he could feel
the floor through the cushion. He showed me that he’d like to try it a
different way than I suggested, and he was happy to try it out.
When we are in the throes of a bad day because the boys are
fighting incessantly and I feel like I’m at the end of my patience and ugly
mommy is going to pay a visit, it is so easy to automatically go to the behavioral
side of the equation. But, if I hadn’t been paying attention, I would have
missed the clues he gave me about the fact that his sensory needs were not
being met.
Obviously it isn’t okay for him to hit or hurt his brother,
and there are consequences for his actions when it happens. But, it was more
than that. And, that’s the point. As parents of children with autism, we need
to keep our eyes, ears, and minds open to the possibility that there is more
going on than what we see in front of us. If we can seek clues that lead to the
function of the behavior, we will be able to better work with our children in
guiding them to a more appropriate outcome, and it will also help us keep our
sanity intact for another day.
