Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Help wanted. Inquire within.

Who will the "winning" applicant be?
I have come to the conclusion that I need an Assistant. Maybe two. I’m talking like the Hollywood celebrity bring-me-a-grande-extra hot-split shot-6 pump-mocha-with-extra-whip-and-then-call-my-agent-to-schedule-a-meeting-with-Spielberg-ASAP kind of an Assistant. Why would I need someone like this to help me? Because my life is cuckoo crazy and it’s getting nuttier by the minute.  

Here is some of the normal stuff I encounter:


·       Monkey wanting to visit every car site on the internet, asking me every 2.4 seconds if he can build another custom car on a site that he hasn’t been on for, oh, 5 minutes.
·       Prince Charming insisting on emptying his K’Nex bin right in front of where I am going to walk and then turning into a growling Grumpy Badger when I ask him to pick it all up.
·       The endless piles of laundry that somehow, magically are cloned into bigger piles when I’m not looking.
·       The pit of despair formerly known as my kitchen – there’s a countertop under all those dishes…somewhere. We might need to get the search and rescue dogs to find a usable plate for dinner.
·       A hubby who has been pulling longer hours at work (not to mention working on the weekends), all for less than stellar pay. Being exhausted and cranky is getting to be his new normal. There certainly doesn’t need to be 2 of us like that in the same house at the same time for crying out loud.
·       Other stuff, like vacuuming and mopping. Do I even know where the vacuum is or if there are any vacuum bags? Do I even remember the original color of my floor tile under all of the dried on drips and dust?  
·       My most favorite thing in the whole wide world: cleaning the bathrooms. Not! How long has it been since the toilets have been scrubbed? I wonder if I could count the rings… Ewww.
·       Calling to complain to the insurance company for the 9 billionth time for yet another unpaid claim.
·       Paying bills. Ugh. The sad part about this is that you have to have this stuff called money before you can pay the bills. Don’t they know we don’t have any?
(Okay, just so you know, I actually keep my house fairly decent. If you were to come over you might not be as disgusted as I made it sound. You don’t have to freak out or call protective services on me. But, it could certainly be much better than it is…if I had the time or an excellent Assistant! Oh, and don't think I'm delusional enough to not realize that almost every single mom on the planet has similar houseshold responsibilities. We all could use a little help, right?)
And now there’s even more on my plate.

I recently mentioned how I have officially gone from kinda crazy to sheer lunatic. I’ve shared with you before that I have been running a support group for 3 years. Well, now I am running a nonprofit. Yes. I am. And yes, I’m nuts. Glad we could come to the same conclusion so quickly.
There is a need. I’m the kind of gal who has a very hard time saying no, especially to myself when I get an idea in my head. I had an opportunity to start something that could make a difference for others and I had to try.

Am I doing it for the riches? That’s hilarious! I’m unpaid. A perpetual volunteer. I hope someone somewhere decides to offer me a grant or some rich person holds an amazing fundraiser gala on my behalf, because this girl needs to put gas in her car…and coffee in her tummy. It’s medicinal. The coffee, that is. 

So, I need a highly qualified Assistant to help me maintain my life as the head of a nonprofit and a support group, a blogger, a mom, and a wife who doesn’t have enough time in one month to get done all I need to accomplish in one week.

The perfect candidate will help with household chores, such as: making coffee (see how that is first on the list?), cooking healthy and allergy-safe meals, scrubbing toilets, doing laundry, vacuuming, weeding the yard, mopping, filing paperwork, and making phone calls where it is expected to wait for an eternity before you speak to a human, and many other tasks as required.

The candidate will also help with business tasks, like: requesting and confirming speakers, managing multiple email accounts with thousands of messages in each, posting timely event information on multiple websites, filing, seeking grant funding, creating and facilitating a board of directors and parent committee, setting up workshops, marketing, website maintenance, editing blog posts, managing multiple Facebook pages, getting me started on Twitter, and zillions of other tasks as needed.

Oh, and let’s not forget the big bonus. The amazing person that fulfills these job requirements gets the same salary as me. Jackpot! Any takers?

4 comments:

Cari said...

There has GOT to be someone out there! How about you call them an "intern", interns don't get paid, but I bet you could write them a stellar letter of rec., on coffee making skills ofcourse.

To make things easier and to make up for my ass-ness, yes, just said that, it is officially a word as of yesterday, I will email you a how-to list...

You are an amazing person. The dishes will get done eventually, as will the laundry; so what if you're never caught up. You are doing something amazing and life changing, not to mention raising those two fantastic boys, so I say wait for your fairy godmother and have another cup of coffee!

Truly, you do amaze me...your calling, just sayin'.

Caffeinated Autism Mom said...

I am rolling with laughter after reading your new word!!! Too freaking funny. Thanks as always, Cari.

Effie said...

LOL! You sound so much like me. I'm always telling my girlfriend, "I need a wife." I suppose I mean the exact same thing as you, an all encompassing, organized, multi-talented, unpaid assistant. However, if I ever remarry it will be to a man so, the wife is out of the question. It's still funny to say. :)

Caffeinated Autism Mom said...

Effie, you're too funny! You know, come to think of it...my husband is sometimes a better housewife/mom than I am. Maybe I need a new career. Hmmm...

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...